It was my birthday on the 1st of July and I woke up feeling like an ungrateful wench. I think I muttered a brief prayer of thanksgiving, but that was all. I wasn’t angry (I think), but I know I wasn’t exactly overjoyed. I just wanted to stay in bed, watch Tv and have the day go by quickly. I didn’t even go to church, even though I told my mother that I did.
By 7:00am, I got a call from the Workers Care department of my church. Turns out that all leaders in church get a cake on their birthday. I didn’t know this so it came as a pleasant surprise. The caller wished me a happy birthday and asked for my address so that they could have my cake delivered. Later in the day, my brother visited with lots of food. I was so touched… before he left, I gave him a huge chunk of the cake. In the end, my day wasn’t bad. I consoled myself with the fact that last year’s birthday was amazing, so it’s ok that this year’s was quiet.
Life has been ok. I’ll admit that so far, the bad days have far outnumbered the good, but when people ask how I am doing, I now say “I’m great”, with emphasis on the great. I do this because I’m sick to death of constantly being on the defensive. I defend positive things like how I got a new phone, how I got a new pair of shoes, or why I spend so much time in church. I once had to defend taking an Uber instead of taking a bike. I’m constantly explaining why I sometimes come across nice/basic things if I’m really as ‘poor’ as I say I am.
The problem is, I’m not a very assertive person. Plus my confidence level is at an all time low so when people are telling me (unfiltered) what they think I should be doing with my life or my time, or when they are telling me all the things they are sure I’m doing wrong, I can’t pull my hair out and tell them to leave me the fuck alone. I just sit quietly and nod. Now I keep every progress, and every milestone, no matter how small. I keep my ambitions, and most of all, I keep my failures. This way, there’s peace. If I’m asked how I’m doing, and I say, “I’m doing great!”, there’ll be nothing to fix, no solutions to offer.
The resulting isolation isn’t healthy, yes, but for now it’s safe and it’s familiar.
I sound like an ungrateful fowl right? Yes, I know… birthdays have always been hard for me. Ironically, my room is full of sticky notes with reasons to be grateful. The idea is to see them everywhere I look so I have them up on the wall beside my bed, on the bathroom mirror, on the door of my fridge. Do I need to list them out for you?
Sometimes, I want to go away to a place where no one knows me. No phones, no Tv. I would have internet so that I can play the daily challenge on my Spider Solitaire app, and also so that I can have access to Creflo Dollar and Robert Morris sermons on YouTube. If there’s a local church, I might attend once for the first-timer’s refreshments, otherwise I’ll be in my room.
Sorry if this post doesn’t make sense… my thoughts are all over the place.
I think its okay to let your thoughts out all over the place like this. I wish i could vent with writing or to someone. One thing is however sure, we’ll be fine.
Ah! Please vent o… if e hook you, please holla abeg.
And yeah, we will be fine.
Thanks Yemisi…
It’s all good my Sister. It can only get better. You do write really well…
Haha! The comment showed… 🙂
Thanks Doc.
Happy birthday darling. You might not have had the day you wanted but it does sounds like it was a good one. I wish you many beautiful and happy birthdays ahead. Things actually do get better. I promise you. ❤️
Amen! Thanks luv… The day turned out very alright. I wasn’t even expecting cake.
And my siblings are rock stars.
“I’m okay”, is a secret cry for help …
“I’m Okay” is life has been horrible, but am okay
“I’m Okay” is shit hasn’t turned out the way I planned but I am hanging in there
“I’m Okay” is I have no reliable friends to count on without passing judgment or family members that all of a sudden have an opinion on what’s soo wrong with ur life and how all of a sudden they know what’s best for you or how to “fix” it
“I’m okay” means I’m working my ass off but there’s nothing to show for it
“I’m okay” really does mean I wanna go somewhere where I don’t know anybody and nobody knows me … total invisibility and zero accountability to anyone
“I’m Okay” means all my peers seem to be making progress except me hmm 🤔
.
In the end “I’m Okay” means I really do know things will get better but when and how, I have no idea
This is to all the “I”m Okay’ers” out there! Stay strong Ngo!
Peace!
When and how! When and how???
I swear you are in the spirit my brother…
Thank you Osaghae 🤗🤗🤗
A belated happy birthday to you 🙂
Thank you Ifeanyi…
Sorry I am late… I actually remembered on July 1st but I didn’t have a way to send you birthday wishes. How are you? Trust you are doing well.
It’s fine… better late than never.
Yeah, I’m good.
Thank you Ifeanyi…