Good morning beautiful people!!

My name is Ngozi and I am a fraud… ( ._.)

The other day, after service, this dude walked up to me in church. You know how, after service, you bow your head and head straight for the door to avoid spending another thirty or so minutes greeting people? But no matter how hard you try to escape, you must run into a few brethren on your way out. You gotta remember people’s names and say hi and exchange holy pleasantries that don’t really make a lotta sense.

Hello brother Joseph, how is work?Ah, sister we blex God.

You are blessed sixta Modesta. So ha ees tins?Ah, brother Ndubuisi, God be praised o.

Sister Esmeralda, I can see you’re bleeding from your eyes and nose. It is wellYes oh it is well! No Ebola virus will come near me and my family in Jesus’ name *coughs and spits out blood*

Anyway, this guy caught up with me at the door. He was smiling broadly and we started the small talk. We covered work, how the weekend had been so far and family. I thought it was over till he mentioned that “some of us were discussing the other time and they mentioned your name”. I was immediately intrigued and a million questions came to mind- Who was discussing? Why did my name come up? What were they talking about? Has anyone told this guy about his breath?

“Ahn ahn… how come?” I asked.

What he said next is the reason I am a fraud ( ._.)

He said that during their last singles prayer meeting/fellowship, there was a short session at the end during which people were allowed to ask questions. Some guy asked a question about marriage and meeting the right girl. He complained about there being a shortage of “wife material” in our church as the girls in church are too proud, they are loose and are in the market for only high-profile or well-to-do men (outside of church).

After the meeting, a few of the guys (him and his friends) gathered to further discuss the growing lack of wife material in the church. His group of friends consists of a homeless estate agent who lives in the church building, one dry-cleaner, one frozen-foods sales boy and a supermarket attendant. I’m not sure what he does for a living. He was impressed that my name came up and they all agreed that I am “God-fearing, simple and humble”. I am wife material because I haven’t been banging guys in church and I am never seen in dodgy places or with questionable characters.

He said I’m not like some others girls who drink (LOOOOOL!!!) or smoke.  I am not rude (LAAAAAWL!!!) and I am concerned about the things of God (ROTFLMFAO!!!!). He was talking like he had an award to give me for being elected one of the “Wifematerialest” girls in church and then ended by telling me to “keep up the good work.” I smiled and said thank you, cos I didn’t know how else to respond. We exchanged our holy goodbyes and I went home. Then I called a friend up and told her so that we could laugh about it together. She too almost died of laughter.

Afterwards, when I stopped laughing, I took time to really think about it and I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was deeply insulted because Jesus didn’t die for me to be a dry-cleaner’s wife. Pray tell, what then is the use of Mary Kay every Sunday? On the other hand, I felt like a fraud. Yeah, I tend to get carried away during praise and worship and I have been known to shed a tear or two. Most of my weekends are wig-less weekends so I go to church with my short afro. And once in a while, I join the members of the Environment Department in cleaning the church compound so maybe it makes sense that based on shit like that, some people might believe that I am the Virgin Mary.

Still, I’m not planning to correct this impression. Lord knows I didn’t intentionally deceive anyone, but at the same time, I won’t put up a sign that says “Hey, I’m the poster girl for Snapp and my monthly megabytes are divided somewhat unequally between Joel Osteen’s e-books and porn”.

My brother says I should send them a link to my blog and watch my yards of wife material go up in flames ( ._.) What do you guys think?

Have a great weekend brethren… God be praised!

Categories: Uncategorized

25 Comments

Sage · September 12, 2014 at 3:46 pm

LWKMD dats all.

    admin · September 13, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Thank you brother Sage 😉

ekpo ezechinyere · September 12, 2014 at 4:14 pm

Lol!!!!! you!….lol..

    admin · September 13, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Yes na… we gats cover our tracks!

Onyi · September 12, 2014 at 5:49 pm

u really are hilarious! ! I always look forward to your posts.

    admin · September 13, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Lol… thanks so much Onyi! 😀

Suyi Davies · September 12, 2014 at 10:28 pm

Gotcha.

    admin · September 13, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Saw this in the middle of the night and started laughing like a mad woman… really felt like I’d been caught :p
    Welcome to my blog Suyi!!!

      Suyi Davies · September 13, 2014 at 9:26 am

      Oh, you’ve been found out all right. These writing circles be really small circles.
      Great stuff, tho. I dig the brand of humour.
      PS: Miss Osasogie Amenawon-Egharevbanogiare Ikpomwosa Odemwigie (only the first name is spelled right, BTW) with the compass eyebrows, it’s like they dunno how much a yard of Igbo wife material costs in bride price. [Tell ’em!]

        admin · September 15, 2014 at 9:36 am

        Hehe!! One of my closest friends is called Amenawon but her full name is like a short paragraph… I can never get the spelling or pronunciation right.
        And now you know how I knew about your $800 😉
        ps- thank you… 🙂

Ghost · September 13, 2014 at 1:34 am

Lolll, chai I don die

    admin · September 13, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Ghostyyyy! Loooong time. You were my blog father that year o… Do you still write? How’ve you been??

      Obi-ten-Kenobi · September 18, 2014 at 10:31 am

      Ghostie had a blog!!!??? Wha!!?

Savvy · September 14, 2014 at 9:33 am

Ha!

Talk about being your own biggest critic.
My dear, it isn’t what thou had done that defines who you are but what you’ve made of it and what you’re doing now.

For sure you were not regular at church a while back but see you today. Papa God get HIM own measuring formulae.

Just take it one day at a time. You may be further up that ladder of perfection than you care to believe.

    admin · September 15, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Abi o… and I know more gospel songs now. It used to be only Akanchawa in those days 😉
    Still, we’ll keep climbing higher. Thanks cuz :*

      Veevian · September 18, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      LOL @Akanchawa

      I love this blog and always look forward to a new post. Your sense of humor is humorous!!

        admin · October 14, 2014 at 1:02 pm

        Wow… thank you Veevian! And welcome to my blog. Sorry I’m just seeing this…

GA · September 18, 2014 at 10:18 am

sigh

Obi-ten-Kenobi · September 18, 2014 at 10:34 am

Lol, Jesus didnt die for that shiii.
But what I’m interested in is how you’re gonna go about correcting this malady… Keep ur nigga posted.

    admin · October 14, 2014 at 1:03 pm

    Kai! I’m replying this almost a month later… I’m sure this is how Linda did Ayedee.
    Busta PLEASE don’t shut down my blog! I promise to respond to comments from now on… :'(

spacyzuma · October 13, 2014 at 8:04 pm

Smh.

Stalker and Fraud all in one. Dr Phil will doe 69 PhD’s on your case. :p

    admin · October 14, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Is it a coincidence that you picked 69 or were you just prophesying into my life? 😉

Bunmi · October 20, 2014 at 6:13 pm

LOL, LMAO… Hehehe I can relate to this sis, I think the reason people jump to those conclusions is because they don’t know anything about you, I get the “you are a very good, quiet, homely” girl a lot some people don’t even believe I can get angry, LOL but I no its bcuz dey dnt no me @all.

    admin · October 24, 2014 at 8:51 am

    My dear, it will soon become worse because I’m supposed to join a department on Sunday… imagine me as a church worker???!
    I’ll pick something easy, like cleaning or greeting. Pastor’s wife suggested Children’s church and I thought, “Surely, you must hate these poor kids!”

Nicholas · November 10, 2014 at 9:52 am

U always Wow me with your thot processes. Catching up on ur blog and I miss admit I missed u

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