Good morning beautiful people!!
My name is Ngozi and I am a fraud… ( ._.)
The other day, after service, this dude walked up to me in church. You know how, after service, you bow your head and head straight for the door to avoid spending another thirty or so minutes greeting people? But no matter how hard you try to escape, you must run into a few brethren on your way out. You gotta remember people’s names and say hi and exchange holy pleasantries that don’t really make a lotta sense.
Hello brother Joseph, how is work?… Ah, sister we blex God.
You are blessed sixta Modesta. So ha ees tins?… Ah, brother Ndubuisi, God be praised o.
Sister Esmeralda, I can see you’re bleeding from your eyes and nose. It is well… Yes oh it is well! No Ebola virus will come near me and my family in Jesus’ name *coughs and spits out blood*
Anyway, this guy caught up with me at the door. He was smiling broadly and we started the small talk. We covered work, how the weekend had been so far and family. I thought it was over till he mentioned that “some of us were discussing the other time and they mentioned your name”. I was immediately intrigued and a million questions came to mind- Who was discussing? Why did my name come up? What were they talking about? Has anyone told this guy about his breath?
“Ahn ahn… how come?” I asked.
What he said next is the reason I am a fraud ( ._.)
He said that during their last singles prayer meeting/fellowship, there was a short session at the end during which people were allowed to ask questions. Some guy asked a question about marriage and meeting the right girl. He complained about there being a shortage of “wife material” in our church as the girls in church are too proud, they are loose and are in the market for only high-profile or well-to-do men (outside of church).
After the meeting, a few of the guys (him and his friends) gathered to further discuss the growing lack of wife material in the church. His group of friends consists of a homeless estate agent who lives in the church building, one dry-cleaner, one frozen-foods sales boy and a supermarket attendant. I’m not sure what he does for a living. He was impressed that my name came up and they all agreed that I am “God-fearing, simple and humble”. I am wife material because I haven’t been banging guys in church and I am never seen in dodgy places or with questionable characters.
He said I’m not like some others girls who drink (LOOOOOL!!!) or smoke. I am not rude (LAAAAAWL!!!) and I am concerned about the things of God (ROTFLMFAO!!!!). He was talking like he had an award to give me for being elected one of the “Wifematerialest” girls in church and then ended by telling me to “keep up the good work.” I smiled and said thank you, cos I didn’t know how else to respond. We exchanged our holy goodbyes and I went home. Then I called a friend up and told her so that we could laugh about it together. She too almost died of laughter.
Afterwards, when I stopped laughing, I took time to really think about it and I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was deeply insulted because Jesus didn’t die for me to be a dry-cleaner’s wife. Pray tell, what then is the use of Mary Kay every Sunday? On the other hand, I felt like a fraud. Yeah, I tend to get carried away during praise and worship and I have been known to shed a tear or two. Most of my weekends are wig-less weekends so I go to church with my short afro. And once in a while, I join the members of the Environment Department in cleaning the church compound so maybe it makes sense that based on shit like that, some people might believe that I am the Virgin Mary.
Still, I’m not planning to correct this impression. Lord knows I didn’t intentionally deceive anyone, but at the same time, I won’t put up a sign that says “Hey, I’m the poster girl for Snapp and my monthly megabytes are divided somewhat unequally between Joel Osteen’s e-books and porn”.
My brother says I should send them a link to my blog and watch my yards of wife material go up in flames ( ._.) What do you guys think?
Have a great weekend brethren… God be praised!