Warri has carried last…

Good morning people.

So I’m back home… back to my drab, dreary and painfully boring life where it feels like I’m taking care of everyone else around me and no one is taking care of me in return. I really didn’t want to come back, but when my friend and her husband packed up my bags, threw them over the fence and then changed the locks, I took the subtle hint and left. Besides, I had run out of clean underwear so I had to go.

Anyway… after attending two weddings, two weekends in a row, naturally, I started to think about the dilapidated state of my love life. If I had to use one word to describe the current state of my love life, it would be ‘Policecollegeikeja’… (Actually, that’s three words but I just took out the spaces to make one long word 😀 )… but yeah, you get my drift.

To be honest, I’m quite content being on my own. I love my own company and I’m not afraid of being single. Yeah, there are periods when my single-hood bugs me but most of the time I’m fine… especially in this day and age where Vit. D comes in all forms- rubber, plastic, metal, battery operated, strapped on to a willing friend etc.

Lemme tell you how it is…

Where guys are concerned, I can actually be described as ‘easy’. I’m not easy in the sense that I’ll jump in your bed the minute I meet you… usually I will wait at least five minutes after meeting you (-_-)

Calm down people… I’m just kidding…

Anyway, I mean I’m easy in the sense that, guys don’t usually have to leap through hurdles to get me. If I don’t like you, I will spit in your face and leave no doubts. But if I do like you, you will know. Another thing is, I’m eager to please, I don’t ask for much and I don’t expect much in return. The only guy I ever really gave a hard time was my very first boyfriend (and first love). We were together for quite a while; about 5 years, 8 months, 3 days and 18 hours… but who’s counting right?

An analysis of every other relationship or friendswithbeneship I’ve ever been in after that first one, shows a steady pattern in the kind of guys that I attract or end up with… but these guys don’t know each other from Adam, they didn’t attend the same primary school, there was no round-table meeting where they all plotted to treat me more or less the same way. The only thing they have in common is me!

After further analysis, I have come up with two possible theories;

  1. My picture is hanging on a wall in my village and my village people who are chasing me have made it so that only douchebags come my way.
  2. The problem is from me.

I’m going with the 2nd theory because my village people are not that smart.

So, now we know the problem. We have accepted what the problem is. But we gotta wonder; how the hell did I become this girl?

I’m the girl who has to sit and listen to him bitch about how badly his ex-girlfriend treated him. He goes on and on about how he still regrets selling one of his kidneys to be able to buy her the latest Congolese human hair… thank God for me and my baldness though, because he would never have to make such sacrifices. I don’t need hair…

I’m the girl he calls on his way out with his friends… he calls to let me know when he’s leaving, then calls some hours later to let me know he’s on his way back home. He’s excited and he’s telling me how much fun he had and he’s describing all the fine-ass girls they tried to set him up with. Too bad I’m the intellectual type; I don’t like to go out… I like to sit at home and study the chemical reaction that takes place on the wall when paint dries on it.

I’m the girl who doesn’t really talk to you about her problems because “you wouldn’t understand” when deep down she knows that you really don’t care either way.

I’m the girl he picks a fight with as soon as there’s an alert from the bank. Then after a while, when the money has run out, we are friends again and we’re happy eating bread and drinking coke, while watching movies on my laptop on a Friday night.

I’m the girl who assures you that two minutes is all I really need… forget about my porn collection and my battery operated dildo. Why didn’t you hear any sounds? Well, it is because, like Jesus, I cum quietly, like a thief in the night… *sigh*

That’s the kinda girl I am…

The sad part is, I can’t change who I am. It’s too late to make changes… I can’t learn now to start making outrageous demands. How do I tell a guy that I feel like eating Chinese food… in fucking BEIJING??!!

For someone who has spent the majority of her life in Warri, and being an Igbo girl, I have apparently carried the position after last…

Have a blessed week people. And thank you.

We’ll finish this off tomorrow…

 

14 thoughts on “Warri has carried last…

  1. Well, people only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. The average human is selfish and willing to use people, its up to you to decide if you will or will not be used. It should be give and take but if you find yourself always giving and not taking, then you need to re-evaluate. leave your village people out of it lol

    • Thanks Oprah but erm… the analysis IS part of the re-evaluation…
      but yeah, I get what you mean. There are other things to blame my village people for though.
      Meanwhile, do you have my time now?

  2. loooooool… where do I start?
    Hmmm…
    Vit. D? Spit in ur face? Who’s counting, right? Carried the position after last?
    Seriously though (not that I didn’t find the others serious) u’re right in that if u’re the only common denominator, then u kinda need to look within.
    A.C.E. is also right in that people only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated, and this starts from the ‘mating dance’, long before the ‘mating’ begins (not referring to the 2 minute thingy, if u get my drift, but then again… it also applies there as well lol).
    You’re who u are, and there’s nothing sad about that! Just be who you are and be true to yourself, if of course you want to be at peace with you.
    Anywayz, u no carry last, nor after last either!

    • Lol@ the two minute thingy!!
      But yeah, I’m definitely looking within 🙁
      Part of the problem is that there is no real “mating dance”, just a little jiggle and that’s it. Gotta improve my dance moves…
      And I’m still convinced of my last-carrying position…

  3. Ngozi we all know things aren’t as bad as u’ve gotten used to painting it. Hang in there kiddo. Ur what we call “the good girl”, even wit ur porn stash and toys. yes ! U can learn, (or borrow) a thing or two from your bad geh counterparts. They’re baggin “good” men left, right and center, so i’m sure they’re doin something right. lol

    • Lol… Don’t worry, I’ve already enrolled in evening classes… God knows I really could learn a thing or two or ten from them… 😉

  4. Roflmao! Babes! I can so relate! I’m too awesome to think that I’ve got a problem though…so I guess it’s option A…the villagers and the picture..lool

    • LOL!!!!! Oh My GOD!!! I love that… too awesome to think you’ve got a problem!! I KNOW I do, being honest with myself. There is a definite pattern…
      Meanwhile, all we have to do is hold some all-night prayers, coupled with fasting, and your village people will remove that picture sharp sharp! In fact, they will come to the “township” where you are to apologize!!

  5. And there I was thinking u were the smart, fun and orgasmically interesting sexually deviant type. I just realized I didn’t have a clue who u were. 🙁

    • …smart, fun and orgasmically interesting sexually deviant type…
      Erm… I’m a bit confused… does that mean you thought I was into intelligent S&M?

  6. hmmm….my sister…if you ask me na who go give d ansa? we are in the same bottom of the same boat of the same river of the same crocodiles. Which is why i’m currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches”. Because dis Martha Stewart/Girl Next Door/ Dog’s Best Friend life i’ve been leaving was getting me anywhereexceptsomewhere fast. I also watch Toke Makinwa’s vlogs on youtube to get my inner bitch on point. Just woke up last month to realise the guy i thought was my boyfriend thought i was his FWB. u can imagine.

    • Wow… I wish you had sent this in earlier! I think I need a copy of that book too…
      Personally, I STILL feel like we’re too old to change our ways. It might be the same thing with the next douche… God dey.
      Your FWB guy can like to go and eat a bullet…

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