Vacancy!! Apply now.

The first month of the year is over and I cannot emphasize how much it sucked. The only highlights were this blog and the time I attended an old friend’s wedding. Apart from that, I didn’t get to cross out a single thing from my January to-do list!!

It was the same way in 2012- the months practically flew by and before I knew it, there were Christmas decorations all over the place and the year was over! The idiot who said that Life is short knew exactly what he was talking about. One minute you’re on the playground in nursery school, showing a four year old boy your knickers, and the next minute, you’re 30 years old, standing in your boss’ office, showing him your knickers and wondering where all the years went… 😉

One of the things on my list was to become the MD of an oil company. Maybe I was being a tad over-ambitious but we’re supposed to aim high right? Anyway, I saw vacancies for Mobile Dishwashers, Mammary-gland Displayers, Mof Dai-vers etc… all in “a reputable oil company”. There was nothing for Managing Director and as the month was nearing its end, I was becoming more and more desperate.

I got so desperate that I eventually decided to apply for a job that I would ordinarily not look twice at. It was the kind of job in which I would ultimately compromise myself in one way or the other. The interview (which was yesterday) went well as far as interviews go, but I was very unhappy.

Let me explain what I mean…

I graduated from Igbinedion University, Okada. I transferred there after I dropped out of Med school in Nsukka. It’s a really REALLY long story, but I’ll just say that I was young, naive, immature and I had no idea that hymens didn’t regenerate like the liver… so I got distracted, and after struggling through Med school for a few years, I finally dropped out. I even made up my mind to never do school again.

Meanwhile, family and friends tried to convince me to go back. They said I wouldn’t get far in life or get a good job with a decent salary without a degree. I wasn’t worried because I had plans to develop my skills in the fine art of roasting plantains. I was going to turn the bole business into a multi-million Cedes empire. With the way my mum and my younger brother eat plantain, I figured that the profits from sales to them alone would be enough to send my first kid to Harvard.

However, it took almost two years and countless burnt plantains before I went back to school. And that’s how I ended up in Okada. I hated the school from day one, but it was the chance I needed to redeem myself. I worked extremely hard cos there was nothing else to do. Most of the kids there were young enough to be my grand-kids so we didn’t have much in common and thus couldn’t “play” together. We had extremely different ideas of what “fun” meant.

In the end, I grew to love my school. I met some amazing kids and I had the best class mates. Plus I got my degree. But Okada girls have the worst reputation EVER. Personally, I don’t think they do anything that girls from other schools don’t do. I think the only difference between them is that Okada girls make no apologies… their escapades are less hidden which makes it easier for other people to point fingers and judge.

So, fast-forward to modern-day job hunting and you’ll see why occasionally I run into problems. There are some offices I walk into for an appointment and as soon as I hand over my CV, the recruiter looks at it, he notices the name of my school and it’s all over. I might as well have printed my resume out on a sheet of rizzler.

Some of them just think it quietly in their minds that I might be a marijuana-addicted, codeine-drinking bisexual master of all things oral. Others ask point blank if I have a velvet dress that might implicate them in future. If you protest too much and get defensive, you’re a ho’… if you don’t say anything and just ignore the insinuations, you’re a frigid ho’.

I was offered the job today, but I knew I had to turn it down so I did 🙁

We’re in February now and I’m still not an MD. I’m grateful for the gift of life as always but I’m pissed… too pissed to fake any positive “Happy New Month” feelings. You can check back tomorrow for an inspiring/encouraging post.

21 thoughts on “Vacancy!! Apply now.

  1. For a moment there u almost made me cry. Hehe
    I remenber the fun days @okada, damn did u remenber they day I snored thru omage’s boren and long class shamelessly and d guy was embarassed he ended d class.
    Anyway Ngozi, nothing spoil, u still hot @ 30 I know I still have wet dreams @nite thinkin of u. And u can always still be d MD of an oil coy juss pray and have faith or let’s all juss go 2 T B joushua 4prayers 4our own miracles afta all pple dey always receive miracles wen u watch him on TV

    • Hmmm… don’t let your wet dreams become damp nightmares.
      Your own sleeping case was special. It was impossible for anyone else to sleep in Omage’s class, with all that noise his shoe used to make on the platform!! He nearly dug a hole in that thing…

    • Erm… honey, I’m confused. Which of these are you shocked that I did:
      a) Showed boys my pant in nursery school.
      b) Dropped out of Med school.
      c) Burnt my plantains.
      d) Turned down the job offer.
      e) All of the above.

  2. Just passing by…you havent done badly @ all considering d forces you had to reckon with. Let me kno wen a vacancy 4 MD shows, make we conjure CV n remove okada

    • Awww…. thanks so much mummy!! I guess I’ve tried 🙂
      Meanwhile, I’m not waiting for another vacancy again abeg. I’m already editing the CV sharp sharp!

  3. Babe!!! My goodness! i TOTALLY get you. Everything from the atrophying hymen to the Horrible Bosses-to-be. And here i was thinking i was the only one who felt like replying “screw you” to all those Happy New Month msgs that i’ve been getting all morning. Don’t mind them; soon you’ll get a job where you’ll be behind the desk asking all those King’s College Boys to drop their pants for a ‘medical fitness inspection’ 😉 .
    i am hereby booking you as the Official MC at my Wedding (which will take place sometime between now and forever), because i can rely on you to suitably shock all my guests. Love you lots!

    • Hahahahaha!!!!! You have killed me!!!
      “Screw you” is much nicer than what I really wanna say… but it’s my problem, not theirs so I just let it go.
      And I’m ready for that job. King’s College, Lumen Christi, Federal Govt. Boys Sec. School Isiokpo, all of them better get ready to drop their pants and touch their toes 😉
      As for the MC gig, no wahala luv. The sooner the better though… my spanx can only do so much! 🙁

  4. Welll….. Happy new month to ALL y’ll!!!! Am proud of all your actions bay bay!!

    P.S I like okada girlz 4 many reasons *wink*. “when” i become MD their future will be bright. hehe

  5. Hmmm, when I hear all these Okada girls gist I just wonder if I went to the same school. I just went there to read book, finish. You know when mums say “don’t worry, forget girls. Read your books and women will chase you after, you’ll even get tired of them”? They weren’t exactly speaking the truth (not gon call them liars… no). I look back and there’s no one chasing. Which brings me to my to-do list for January, I didn’t cross out any of the 5 names, not even Bose who everyone swears is the street ho.
    I’m weak.

    • My dear, it’s the same school o… same campus too.
      Both of us know that your mum didn’t lie. You don’t see them chasing you right now because they are not making it obvious… but trust me, they have their eyes on you. They’re keeping tabs on you. It’s just that you’re not on their to-do list (or should I say their ‘to-be-done-by’ list). They see that sexy stethoscope around your neck and they put you on their “Successful Guys I can marry after screwing around Nigeria” list…

      And as for YOUR to-do list, why do you gotta have confirmed hoes in that list? That’s not a to-do list, that’s January’s budget plan. Nna you pay hoes to lay hoes… Edit that list and put better people. It will ginger you sef. By God’s special grace, you will cross out double the number of names by the end of Feb. Can I gerra Amen? 😉

  6. You know you’re tougher than any one knows or thinks. You’ll be MD/CEO some day, rich & annoying but from time to time this will leak & a whole lot of people will be inspired…
    Including your God-kids I’ll be having. Way to go Ngozi…this was a mega post!!!! Two thumbs up!

    Please no more knickers displayed. Didn’t mama tell you not let boys see ya pant?! Take em off next time….just kidding o!

    • My big bro, I can’t WAIT to be rich and annoying!! Imagine being able to boss people around and order them to kiss my feet…
      Thanks so much luv…

      ps-I don’t bother with the knickers anymore… too stressful taking on and off and on and off and off and off… so what’s the point? 😀

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