Goooooood Morning people!!!!! 😀
On Monday, I wanted to tell you about my recent attempt to start dating again.
Before now, I always used to say that I’m never going to meet a man on my own. Why? Because I’m not very friendly. I’m not the kind of girl you can stop along the road to ask for the time or ask for directions. I will literally chew your head off…
I’ve learnt from personal experience and Movie Magic that there are so many freaks out there and I don’t consider myself to be a very good judge of character. So I think the best way to meet people, especially guys, is through other people. It narrows the possibility of meeting a serial killer, rapist or human body parts salesman. It also takes away a lot of the initial awkwardness and weirdness. There’s no need for fronting and both of you will be on good behaviour (because you’re both trying not to embarrass your mutual friend).
So recently, my friend decided that I and another friend of hers would be a match made in heaven. I was very skeptical at first because she made the guy sound like he was born in the same manger motel inn as baby Jesus… He sounded like a saint and I didn’t want that kind of pressure.
But then we got talking and apparently we had a lot in common, especially a love of books. We both liked some of the same authors. There was no awkwardness at all and it felt like I’d known him for ages.
Our first and only meeting was ok. I had stalked his facebook profile, gone through all his pictures and read a lot of his status updates. I already knew exactly what he looked like so there were no surprises when we met… (yes, I’m a creepy stalker like that).
Anyway, that night, we had dinner and we talked for a really long time… nothing spectacular. Then he went out of his way to walk me home. It was all very nice and I was just about to get down on one knee and propose when he asked, “So, what’s the plan? Do you still want me to toast you?”
The violin strings in the background snapped immediately.
Brethren, you won’t believe that this is the second time this is happening to me. The first time (two years ago) another friend had given some dude my number. The guy lived in Benin and I was serving in PH. We’d been talking for only a week or so when he invited me over. Going to see him after just one week was out of the question. I told him as much and he asked, “Why you dey do yanga? Dem still dey toast on top this matter?”
So, two years later, I’m being asked almost the same question from a different guy… Needless to say, I was shocked.
Yeah, sometimes, you like a guy enough to give him a little help, or a nudge in the right direction. Maybe he’s shy or clueless or maybe his mother told him that all women are blood-sucking demons. So you help him out a little bit… This time, however, I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to send anyone on complete scholarship to UniTON (University of Toasting Ngo).
I simply told him that I didn’t have an answer to his question… Then dude sticks his other foot in his mouth by putting up a disclaimer. He warns me that if it appears he’s slacking or not being persistent enough, it is because he doesn’t know what I want.
You see, I’ve thought about it and I came up with a theory;
When my friend was describing me to him, he probably wasn’t paying attention.
She said, “she’s single” and he translated it to mean “she hasn’t been banged in a while.”
My friend said “she’s 30” and he heard “she’s menopausal.”
My friend said, “she is very nice” and he heard, “she’s desperate.”
My friend; She’s currently looking for a job.
He heard; Will work for food and shelter.
I’m getting bored writing this because there are parts I can’t say in the exact way I would like to say them… so to cut a long story short, here I am almost three weeks later, with my 72 cats and my rainbow dildo collection (a different colour for every day of the week). I am here simply because I have refused to toast myself.
Maybe I’m too old school in my ways, thinking that the guys should do the “toasting”… maybe I should’ve said, “Yes please. I would very much like for you to toast me”… or maybe not. But if that’s how it’s done nowadays, then I’m ok living with Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup and the 69 other cats.