Goooooood Morning people!!!!! 😀

On Monday, I wanted to tell you about my recent attempt to start dating again.

Before now, I always used to say that I’m never going to meet a man on my own. Why? Because I’m not very friendly. I’m not the kind of girl you can stop along the road to ask for the time or ask for directions. I will literally chew your head off…

I’ve learnt from personal experience and Movie Magic that there are so many freaks out there and I don’t consider myself to be a very good judge of character. So I think the best way to meet people, especially guys, is through other people. It narrows the possibility of meeting a serial killer, rapist or human body parts salesman. It also takes away a lot of the initial awkwardness and weirdness. There’s no need for fronting and both of you will be on good behaviour (because you’re both trying not to embarrass your mutual friend).

So recently, my friend decided that I and another friend of hers would be a match made in heaven. I was very skeptical at first because she made the guy sound like he was born in the same manger motel inn as baby Jesus… He sounded like a saint and I didn’t want that kind of pressure.

But then we got talking and apparently we had a lot in common, especially a love of books. We both liked some of the same authors. There was no awkwardness at all and it felt like I’d known him for ages.

Our first and only meeting was ok. I had stalked his facebook profile, gone through all his pictures and read a lot of his status updates. I already knew exactly what he looked like so there were no surprises when we met… (yes, I’m a creepy stalker like that).

Anyway, that night, we had dinner and we talked for a really long time… nothing spectacular. Then he went out of his way to walk me home. It was all very nice and I was just about to get down on one knee and propose when he asked, “So, what’s the plan? Do you still want me to toast you?”

The violin strings in the background snapped immediately.

Brethren, you won’t believe that this is the second time this is happening to me. The first time (two years ago) another friend had given some dude my number. The guy lived in Benin and I was serving in PH. We’d been talking for only a week or so when he invited me over. Going to see him after just one week was out of the question. I told him as much and he asked, “Why you dey do yanga? Dem still dey toast on top this matter?”

So, two years later, I’m being asked almost the same question from a different guy… Needless to say, I was shocked.

Yeah, sometimes, you like a guy enough to give him a little help, or a nudge in the right direction. Maybe he’s shy or clueless or maybe his mother told him that all women are blood-sucking demons. So you help him out a little bit… This time, however, I wasn’t going to do that. I wasn’t going to send anyone on complete scholarship to UniTON (University of Toasting Ngo).

I simply told him that I didn’t have an answer to his question… Then dude sticks his other foot in his mouth by putting up a disclaimer. He warns me that if it appears he’s slacking or not being persistent enough, it is because he doesn’t know what I want.

Errrmm… ok.

You see, I’ve thought about it and I came up with a theory;

When my friend was describing me to him, he probably wasn’t paying attention.

She said, “she’s single” and he translated it to mean “she hasn’t been banged in a while.”

My friend said “she’s 30” and he heard “she’s menopausal.”

My friend said, “she is very nice” and he heard, “she’s desperate.”

My friend; She’s currently looking for a job.

He heard; Will work for food and shelter.

I’m getting bored writing this because there are parts I can’t say in the exact way I would like to say them… so to cut a long story short, here I am almost three weeks later, with my 72 cats and my rainbow dildo collection (a different colour for every day of the week). I am here simply because I have refused to toast myself.

Maybe I’m too old school in my ways, thinking that the guys should do the “toasting”… maybe I should’ve said, “Yes please. I would very much like for you to toast me”… or maybe not. But if that’s how it’s done nowadays, then I’m ok living with Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup and the 69 other cats.


Categories: Uncategorized


nick · April 10, 2013 at 11:37 am

Typical of ngozi, there’s a posibility u may have misread the guy’s actions u no

    admin · April 10, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Errmm… that’s the thing… there were no actions to misread!!!

Brendan · April 10, 2013 at 11:57 am

To Toast or not to Toast? I say ….. Toast….. I interpret his comment as a way of finding out if you’re interested and if he should continue…. Still, he should be persistent if he is serious…. This one might need full scholarship funding at UniTON…

    admin · April 10, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    LOL!!!! @ This one might need full scholarship funding at UniTON…
    I know that’s exactly what it means, but like you said, if he’s serious, he’ll carry on (not necessarily persist). We’re done giving out full scholarships! Besides, the scholarships have an age limit.

    How’re you Boo Boo?

Naga · April 10, 2013 at 2:02 pm

TO TOAST!!! sincerely, u didn’t need him to say how adorable u are.. ur nice looking short hair.. probably the cutest 30 plus he had seen.. If he said u got a great ass.. (might b too forward), saying ur vocabulary is sexy.. (too cheeky).. SOOO.. u would have smiled and said he could try.. hehehe.. then again.. he fall hand. U got to advertise the scholarship scheme.

    admin · April 10, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    First of all, you just burst my head *blushing seriously*
    Secondly, I’m starting to feel bad cos he actually did say some of those things… not in those exact words, but he was certainly appreciative. Still, I’m not advertising nada!! Like I said, there are parts I can’t tell… your two hands will fall! I’ll probably gist you later :*

u know who · April 10, 2013 at 3:14 pm

sumtimes u can neva know wats on a girls mind…maybe he was confused….u culd watch nd see were it leads…there r still good guys out there u know……i say let ur guards down slightly

    admin · April 10, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Lol @ maybe he was confused… you guys are really sticking up for your fellow guy today!
    It doesn’t matter what’s on the girl’s mind… half the time, even girls don’t know what’s on their minds. What does HE want?
    “Watch and see where it leads” means give him the full scholarship to UniTON and see if he passes and graduates abi? Nah… :*

      dr c · April 10, 2013 at 11:23 pm

      don’t mind these boys sticking up for their non-WAEC-passing candidate. if your beauty has got him this confused now that he cant even organise a second date, how will he ever get to first base?? i can just hear it now:
      “So what’s the plan? Do you still want me to kiss you/buy you recharge card/take you to dinner/call you every night/ care about you/ take you to a movie/spend time with you/take you to see my mom/ unbutton your shirt/ ask you to marry me/put it inside/ wear a condom…? THESE QUESTIONS WILL NEVER END. #FAIL

        admin · April 11, 2013 at 9:27 am

        Catherine!!! Catherine! Catherine! You are just evil… you’ve made my morning I swear. Lol@ their non-WAEC passing candidate!
        My dear, you don’t even know the other half of the story. I’ll have to mail you. God knows what you would have to say then.
        It wasn’t just the question… the disclaimer afterwards nko?
        Again, GOD HELP US!!

Joey · April 10, 2013 at 10:42 pm

I don’t know oh, he probably shouldn’t have asked that question but it doesn’t take away the fact that he may have had good intentions. The other one that spoke pidgin just wanted ass, no donkeys.
If he is of a certain age and is still asking that question it may mean, he is old fashioned but just needed clarification on how you like it (he wasn’t sure of your school, old or new).
If he is half as awesome as you say he is (he sounds kinda smart), you should have just told the guy to toast, you may have laughed off a potentially awkward situation.

Removes 2 cents from offering basket (because that’s how gangsta’s roll)

    admin · April 10, 2013 at 11:57 pm

    My friend will you put back those two cents!! Gangsta’s roll my ass…
    The Benin guy was just a wanker! This one is very smart and just as awesome as I say, but after the events following the question and disclaimer, I came to realize that although the “intentions” were good, they weren’t actually HIS and that’s not a crime. If they were his and he just wasn’t sure how to go about the toasting, he would’ve asked a friend, or read Cosmo or GQ… he would’ve even googled it. Anything but ask me!
    I’ve been here before. Trust me, it never ends well…

dr c · April 10, 2013 at 11:14 pm

babe!! i keep on having this sneaky feeling you are writing about me and just pretending it’s about u! i mean there’s a guy i wish i can copy and paste this unto his FOREHEAD because apparently since he has told me he likes me and we’ve gone on a date or two it’s now time for me to show up naked on his doorstep and ask him to ravish me or possess me or to get him a ring or something; i don’t freaking know what it is! i’m like, is courtship dead? are guys just too lazy now to actually chase a girl properly? and since when did 30 mean one-foot-in-the-grave-so-she-will-agree-to-anything? Ng stop stalking me! seriously, it’s getting creepy. love, love, love, LOVE this one!

    admin · April 11, 2013 at 12:06 am

    LOL!!!! I’m sorry darling, but I’m also glad I’m not the only one…
    You are lucky; you got up to two dates first!!
    Courtship is not dead… if you don’t believe me, watch him when he’s going after his next girlfriend or future wife. He will know EXACTLY what to do, he’ll go above and beyond. I’m talking Bruno Mars catching grenade type things o!
    And 30 doesn’t mean ‘one-foot-in-the-grave-so-she-will-agree-to-anything’… it means ‘one-foot-in-the-grave-so-she-should-be-happy-I’m-doing-her-this-favour’.

    ps- I love how the boys are defending him. I’m waiting for my big cousin to drop a comment…

nk · April 11, 2013 at 12:05 am

In my opinion, that was a tad rude and immature. I refuse to believe that chivalry & wooing are dead but when guys speak sometimes, I wonder. On the other hand, he could have asked that believing that you both were so well matched, it was a done deal. Meaning he liked you & felt really free to be himself with you. I say, if the bridge isn’t yet burnt, explore the option and maybe offer free tutorials(as opposed to a scholarship) @ UniTON. If he can’t keep up, then burn that baby.

    admin · April 11, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Hi Nk…
    Funny enough, I don’t need too much “wooing”. I’m a pretty simple gal really… if I like you, I won’t spit in your face 🙂
    I get what you mean about him seeing it as a done deal though. All my guy friends are really sticking up for him and I’m starting to feel kinda evil 🙁
    But there are other parts of this story too. If I told you, you’ll know that I’m right and you would be on my side and you would vote me for president 😀
    Lol@ free tutorials…

    Thanks for stopping by!

erema · April 12, 2013 at 3:14 am

You never fail to crack me up but seriously, me thinks you should have given the guy a chance since you guys had so much in common and you could at least have a conversation in English language.
The world is full of frogs my love and I have learnt in my long life that its our duty to make princes out of them frogs.
Hope ure doing well sha. Miss u to bits

    admin · April 12, 2013 at 10:48 am

    I’m good love… miss you too 🙁 How’re ya?
    This dude can find another girl to turn him into a prince, not me. And if it’s about having a conversation in English, I can tie a dictionary to my dildo. That’s all the conversation I need. Oya read part two first and let me know if you still think I should’ve given him a chance 🙁

Agbons · April 13, 2013 at 2:25 pm

before nko?! e no go toast? shuooo! naija boys! always expecting ass on a platter.

    admin · April 13, 2013 at 9:00 pm

    My dear, I’m too weak to talk again… this whole thing and the comments from guys has given me so much insight.

Obi-10 · April 15, 2013 at 9:28 pm

Lmao, I envy ur life, always a colorful character bumbling by.
Epic fail on dude’s part tho, he asked u that? seriously…? U know u are the goddess of the paraphrase… However, if the rest of the date was as awesome as u describe, it shudnt be a deal breaker. Dude failed one test, there shud be a resit in’it? Imagine a world with no resits, retakes, doubletakes and whatnot*shakes head wistfully* If it is tho,(dealbreaker that is) then it is what it is. The disclaimer sounds like a classic Jesus-did-I-just-say-that brainfart.

Savvy · April 30, 2013 at 6:32 am

I’m with the boys. It was hard enough with you ladies but these days it can be likened to G-MAT! You’re complaining about him asking. He was decent enough to ask. Never stone me dildo.
I’ve had the horror of listening to gal friends reap a chaps efforts to ribbons. “The guy’s cute, but so ancient!”. Imagine something like that just because he asked, “when do I need to get you home?”, you’re decent, not man enough. Take the lead, too cocky. Look for a compromise, you’re clueless. Haba! Image of God, no be abilities of God. Any how, I hope you’ll give him a chance at another date if he calls.

    admin · April 30, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Why would I wanna hurt my dildo like that? There are many other things I can stone you with…

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