To Tap Or Not To Tap??

Mornin’ people…

I mentioned that I attended an old friend’s wedding sometime in January right?…  I am really not big on weddings. It was all the way in Lagos and if I wasn’t able to make it, he would’ve understood (I think).

I wasn’t the best man or the ring bearer. In fact, I played no significant role before, during and after the wedding. All I did was stare at some delicious eye-candy in his committee of friends, catch up with old friends, eat like a pig and party like a rock starr!! So, if I’m not so big on weddings, and if my only function there was to eat all the food, why did I go?

I went to support my friend and I went out of respect. He married the same girl he’s been talking about for quite a while now. I didn’t know when they met and what website they met on (just kidding), but I knew when he started thinking marriage. Then I knew when he started talking marriage. After that, a date was inevitable…

Why is this a big deal? It’s a big deal because I’m disgusted by all the surprise weddings that are springing up all over the place!!!

You don’t have to wear a T-shirt that says “ABOUT TO START THINKING OF MAYBE PROPOSING TO THIS BITCH”… That’s not what I’m asking. Just don’t go around spewing BS about how much pressure you’re getting from your family to settle down, how you don’t really love your current girlfriend, she’s not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, she’s a terrible cook, her Brazilian-Indian-Congolese weave is destroying your sex life, blah blah friggin’ blah!!

In the words of ODB, Nigga Please!! No one born before 2003 falls for those lines anymore… We know how it works; you run her down thinking it’s gonna get you laid, then months later you upload a wedding album on facebook and title it “When Two Hearts Become One”.

You wankers know who you’re gonna end up with so instead of disrespecting your girlfriend/fiancé by saying all those silly things about her, why don’t you just politely say to me or any other girl you’re trying to play: “I am about to wed, but alas! T’would be my pleasure to screw thine brains out. May we please bang?”

Then it would be up to me or whoever to either say, “Yay, thou mayest bang me” or “Nay, thou shall not bang”.

I brought it up with a friend of mine. He is now married with a kid but he is, to put it simply, a dog in a T.M. Lewin shirt. He says that if married men like him are still in the game, how much more single men? “Man gats try im luck”… And that about sums it up- it’s all a game to them. I think it’s unfair… but you know what they say; asking the world to be fair to you is like asking a lion to not eat you up because you don’t eat lion meat.

So what’s a single girl to do? She can’t change the way of the world, but she can stop herself from being a victim of it… she needs to make sure that every time a wedding IV comes out or a wedding album is uploaded on fb, she can confidently look up to the skies and declare to God, “Thank you Jesus for though this wanker tried and tried, he tappeth not this ass before his wedding!”

Don’t know about you ladies but in my next life, I’m coming back as a man. And not just any man, an African man…

7 thoughts on “To Tap Or Not To Tap??

    • Hey handsome… how will you not tap? Tapper of life!
      Yeah, it goes out to all the about-to-weds-who-think-we-don’t-know-they’re-about-to-wed…
      To all you not-about-to-weds, as you were!

  1. I read the title and thought it was a piece on pipe-borne water.
    Some of them are genuinely pressured oh (not me though, my parents know if they try that I’ll move to Guam and they’ll never hear from me again).

    • Lol! Oh Pope! Of all places, Guam? I don’t think you realize how spoiled you sound right thurr…
      I can imagine threatening my folks like that. They’ll just ask, “Ngo, do you promise to leave if we pressure you?”
      Meanwhile, the post still sorta has to do with the plumbing industry cos it’s about all the shit that comes out of some guys’ mouths 🙂

  2. How I’ve missed your use of old English. ;-)!
    To tap or not to, that is the question…lol!

    Please dear, African man most definitely. As one of any other set of men, you would lose it….nice one Ngozi!

    • African man? Nah… they get away with the worst kind shit!
      And yeah, I just looove old English. You can use style to gbagaun and no one would think twice about it 🙂

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