Let there be wine, and there was wine…

Everybody knows a prophet.

I don’t mean prophet in the “divine” sense of the word. I’m talking about maybe a pastor, or a church usher, chorister, church cleaner, pastor’s-ass-kisser, sound technician etc. Basically, anyone who does work for the church.

Today’s focus is not your average, everyday church worker though. Today, we’re dealing with the ones who sweep the church floors as if their ancestor was the Mayor of Sodom and Gomorrah. They use their work in church to apologize to Jesus on behalf of their great-great-great-great-grandfather on their father’s side, the man who bought the hammer and nailed Him to the cross.

These prophets work and attend services like they are guilty of something, like they can possibly pay God back…

Now, if you happen to have one of these “prophets” around you- at home, at work, in your class or in your AA group- then you should be very familiar with the saying, “A prophet has no honour in his own home”. Actually, it’s not just a saying, it’s a bible verse, something Jesus himself said. I think it was in Songs of Solomon 7:7-9… not too sure of the exact bible verse.

Anyway, it’s a pretty simple verse, easy to understand, but I’ll try and explain it nevertheless:

It means that in church, a prophet/worker is always recognized for his/her work and has his/her ass kissed regularly by fellow church members. But when said prophet/worker is at home, away from the church, no one actually gives a rat’s ass about what he/she can do with 5 loaves of bread and a can of tuna. At home, no one is impressed by the halo above the prophet’s head.

In case you were wondering (like I used to wonder), I’ve decided to tell you why it is so…

We’re not impressed because:

  1. We hear you when you constantly bitch and whine about “all the stuff” you have to do in church, how lazy and uncommitted your assistant is, and how hard it is for you and only you to single-handedly spread the gospel across Africa and parts of Pluto…
  2. We eavesdrop on your conversations with your lazy and uncommitted assistant about how lazy and uncommitted other people in church are. What would the pastor say if he heard you guys talking about his wife’s tight skirt and VPL and the fact that she pronounces ‘bless’ as ‘blex’?
  3. We become suspicious when the lead soprano has to come every other day for personal voice training lessons… in your room… with the doors shut… bolted from the inside… and we can hear no singing whatsoever amidst all that banging, except at the end when she lets out a scream. I have to give her some credit though… the girl’s pitch is impressive.
  4. Other minor things that make you human and not God-like, like how you fart indiscriminately, the way you drool in your sleep, and snore like a rhino with bronchitis, or how you reign curses at any driver who cuts you off.

That, my friend, is why there is no honour.

Jesus was actually talking about Himself in that bible verse, because his own people were not impressed. I’m one of those people who swear that if I had lived in the days of Jesus, I would definitely have honoured Him. I might have been doubtful at first, especially if we grew up together and went to the same Secondary School. It would’ve been difficult to see him as anything other than “Aunty Mary’s son”… but then I know that my mind would’ve been made up the minute that water turned to wine!! That alone would’ve made me apply for a position as the 13th disciple.

So, unless you can turn water to Rosé or moonwalk on water, I (along with many other people) remain unimpressed!!

 

ps- Please abeg o… the real bible verse is John 4:44.

8 thoughts on “Let there be wine, and there was wine…

    • LOL!!! Let Papa Oroefe hear you… he will never let you go for “choir practice” again! I was not there o!…
      Thanks luv.

  1. Now I’m sure you’ll go to Heaven. For God so loved Jesus, He made you to give Him an unending list of things to intercede for…lol!

    But that verse in Songs of Solomon….you try I beg. Every couple should be made to read that book every month till death do dey part.

    Then no be say you yan, our brethren in church can be very suspect at times…even moi! You correct joor!!!

    • Yeah… that Songs of Solomon verse used to be so special, until Dr 90210 came along. Now every girl can buy the breasts he described 🙁
      Meanwhile, even you? ME nko? At least you DO work… I just sit there and stare at good looking ushers till they get uncomfortable and change my seat 🙂

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Plix plix plix! just stop it! This is too funny. I just love the way you infuse humour into real issues, kinda like the sex style 69. This should provide laugh for days.

    • LOL!!!! @ Plix plix… you know EXACTLY worram tokin abat!
      Meanwhile, ain’t NOTHING funny about 69 brah… we take that shit serious!!! 😉
      Glad you liked it. Muah!

  3. LOL!! For some reason… I believe after that water was turned to wine.. all the alcoholics turned that night! Tasting is believing!

    • I dey TELLLLSSSS you!!! If for nothing else, they would convert just to see more of the same miracle… and knowing Jesus, it would’ve been the good stuff, none of that cheap rubbish wine. Whose report shall YOU believe?

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