I have always had a lot of faith in computers and machines in general. For some reason, I believe in them more than I believe in humans. I’ve never been a victim of anything run by computers. I’m not the type to question electricity bills, ATM receipts, account balance statements and such… if the computer says it is so, then it must be so. Even if there is an error somewhere, I am confident it will be reversed or corrected.

Now, STARCOMMS has taught me that even if computers can’t go wrong, the idiots who operate them can go terribly wrong! Two days after paying to renew my STARCOMMS internet subscription, I am still internet-less.

I had a feeling when I went to the STARCOMMS office yesterday morning, that the tart who was sitting behind the desk, pretending to look busy, didn’t really have a clue what she was doing. For all I know, the fowl could’ve been playing Solitaire on her system.

With all the layers of foundation and powder on her face, I wasn’t surprised when the airhead started giving me serious attitude, like she had seen nude pictures of me in her husband’s cell phone before. I wasn’t in the mood to play Who’s The Bigger Bitch so I just ignored her…

The second warning sign came when, after making my payment, I asked the little wench how soon it would be activated and she said, “I don’t know. Maybe in an hour’s time.” Usually, it doesn’t take that long, but I figured that one hour was the length of time she needed to spell the word “R-E-N-E-W”.

It’s been almost two days now!!!!

You can’t imagine how pissed I am. I have called STARCOMMS customer service a million times, I’ve spoken to countless idiots and listened to them reciting the same shit over and over again in the same manner. The closest these semi-illiterate wankers have ever gotten to the UK is the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony that they watched in their neighbours’ house, yet they all have an irritating wanna-be British accent.

I’ve been told to “Hesesize patience” by a Yemi.

One Remi told me to call back because of a systems “hupgrade that is currently going hon”. I had to ask if they were upgrading to a higher level of lousiness…

Ogochukwu kept asking when I “Med de pehmint” (made the payment).

I’m sure that the next time I call, Sanu will answer. Maybe he would tell me to “compirm efidence of fayment”…

Nobody in STARCOMMS Nigeria has been able to give me any reasons why my subscription has not been activated two days after I paid.

I am writing this now and posting it before I have a chance to cool off. I will not be sleeping this night. I am going to spend the night praying for the same grace God gave Moses. In the morning, I will buy a staff or an umbrella (anything that looks like a rod) and I will proceed to the STARCOMMS office where I will unleash all twelve plagues (and any extra ones I can think of) at once until they LET MY SUBSCRIPTION GO!!!

On behalf of Nigerians, I am going to fight a battle against the STARCOMMS customer service reps and other reps who never give straight answers. If I am arrested for trespassing, disturbin’ tha peace (like Luda!), destruction of private property and public nudity, you guys should tell the world my side of the story. And don’t forget to mention the tart with the heavy make-up who probably got her job the Monica Lewinsky way. Wish me luck 😀


ps – the public nudity part would just be for fun, in case I get shown on tv 😉

Categories: Uncategorized


Efe Ideh · February 7, 2013 at 5:23 am

NeeGoZee, Crazy!!!!!!!! You know u like the idea of being nude. Starcomms isn’t the excuse. Good luck on rectifying the problem

    admin · February 7, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    You know me so well darling… Make sure you tune into AIT tonight. I have my good underwear on 😉

Naga · February 7, 2013 at 9:13 am

LMFAO!!!! I HAFF DIE( I AM LAUGHING IN A SYMPATHETIC WAY no vex)… Fight for ya right!!!

    admin · February 7, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Sweetheart, if it makes you happy, please laugh o… don’t mind those bloody wankers. I’m still vexing 🙁

Dr C · February 7, 2013 at 4:15 pm

I’ll be watching NTA tonight with barely suppressed glee at the thought of finally seeing all your naughty bits….go girl!

    admin · February 7, 2013 at 8:06 pm

    Yes o! I made sure I wore my matching bra and panties… the one that doesn’t have any holes 😉
    But seriously, customer service in a lot of these companies is wack!

armacah · February 7, 2013 at 5:50 pm

Hahahahahahaha! Ngozi yu have killed mi with laughter oo.. Ogochukwu and co! Hahahahahaha!

    admin · February 7, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    You are laughing at Ogo, your Igbo sister… Nna take time o!

Obi-ten · February 9, 2013 at 6:39 pm

It’s sad but this happens a lot with Nigerian service delivery companies, they just happen to not remind their customer relations staff that they’re not doing u a favor. I’ve had issues with Starcomms frontdesk also, I walk in to buy an internet package and ask what are the different packages they have, and this silly girl looks at me like duh and goes, “plis, sheck hon the website”. I was so pissed I just walked out. Na so fuckers go dey destroy person business.

    admin · February 9, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    Hahahahahahahaahahahahahahaha!!!! Na real “sheck hon the website”!!! Are you serious?!!
    I’m just hoping I never ever have to call them for anything again… cos I won’t be as patient. Most of the time, they don’t even have a clue as to what is going on. They are taught to just recite the same things over and over again.
    Meanwhile, for some strange reason, yesterday I remembered, “Did you lost weight or you hadded?”

      Obi-ten · February 11, 2013 at 3:13 pm

      Lol, bespoke suit tinz!

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