The security situation…

Hello beautiful people!!

It’s been over a month since I last wrote to you guys… and since then, I’ve started countless posts that I end up abandoning by the second paragraph. I always get stuck in the middle of the health update. I feel like I should give you guys an update right? It’s the normal thing to do after writing an epistle on how I almost dropped dead last month…

So what’s the update? Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news… The good news is that my heart is fine. I did an ECG, an echo-cardiogram, a chest X-ray and a cardiac profile. In fact, for a period of about 10 days, I felt like my titties were constantly on display for one test or the other. In the end, I was told that my heart is good. The hypertension just put a strain on it.

The bad news is, they don’t know what caused this breakdown, so I’m still being “closely monitored”. I’m supposed to be taking things easy but it’s not working too well. I’ve resumed work and my colleagues have been so good to me. Everybody is trying not to stress me… Sometimes it’s funny to watch them, especially the guy I work with. He doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong so he acts like I might drop dead any minute. It’s a good thing I have a conscience, or else I would’ve dropped all my work on his desk. He’s nice like that…

Generally, I think I’m ok. I carry a stupid tiny nylon bag thing with me wherever I go… it has my 3 meds in it. One is to keep my BP normal, one is to reduce the amount of swelling in my feet and the last one is to prevent me from having a heart attack and slumping in the middle of the road. Today, I actually forgot the medicine bag when I was rushing out of the house… (._.) If I croak before closing time, please delete my browser history abeg.

*sigh* Deep down, I’m just an ajebo struggling to live this hectic Lagos life… :’(

Meanwhile, in a bid to make my life easier, I got a new security guard at home. I got him the same day I was discharged from the hospital. My neighbour’s security guy (Ibrahim) brought him to me. Initially I was surprised because I recognized him as one of the security guards on my street… I thought he worked for the lady in the house opposite mine. Apparently, the lady had sacked him early that morning. I also found out that the guy doesn’t understand A WORD of English so Ibrahim had to act as the interpreter during the interview.

The interview didn’t take longer than 5 minutes. I asked him about his career goals and aspirations. Then I asked him about his academic qualifications and how he plans to contribute to the growth of the organization that is my house.

I’m kidding…

I asked him why his former madam sacked him. He told one very short story about not opening the gate for her brother at 2:00am in the morning. It was an incredible story, hard to believe, but I was desperate. The deal I struck with the nurse was that I was being discharged to go home and rest, not carry buckets of water or go outside at 5:00am/11:00pm in the morning/night to switch the generator on/off. The 11:00pm one is  the most painful because that’s around the time the sleep is just getting sweet).

I hired him immediately and by day two, I figured out why his former madame sacked him. Whatever is in his skull is the secret ingredient that makes Dangote cement blocks so hard. And it’s not just the English… he’s daft.

I like to think of myself as a “nice-ish” madame because with all the mouth I make, I can’t bring myself to scream at or insult a grown man who works for me. Sometimes I wish I could… just let it out there and then, scold the guy and forget about it. Instead, I just get upset and warn him. If you try that nonsense again, you go commot from this house!! That’s as far as I go. This new blockhead really reeeeally gets on my nerves though. A few times, I’ve locked him out of the compound and he has had to spend the night with one of his numerous security friends on our street. But then I started to suspect that he might secretly enjoy those occasional sleep overs cos he knows notin dey happun…

Last week, I finally lost it and screamed at him. I called him all sorts of names, told him he was a blockhead and told him that he was going to get out of my house. I was so frustrated! He stood there silently with his head bowed and as I was screaming, he just kept mumbling, “Yes madam”  “Yes madam”…

“Are you maaad???”

“Yes madam.”

“If that generator goes bad again, I will kill you!!! Do you hear me??!”

“Yes madam”.

“You want to spoil it for me abi? They sent you to me!!!”

He nodded and said, “E send am.” I went to sleep and woke up an hour later to loud banging at the front door. He was standing there with a black nylon bag that had all his possessions.

Me: What is it?

Blockhead: E dey go madame.

Me: You don taya for the work?

Blockhead: E dey go.

Of course by then, I had calmed down, and a big part of me was ashamed of myself for getting so angry. I didn’t want him to leave… after almost a month. The last security guy didn’t stay very long either. At this rate, if I continue like this, my security man count will exceed my body count. Also, I thought of all the stress I would be facing. Yes, he is daft, yes he sleeps too much and yes, he always forgets to switch over to NEPA after turning off the generator, but he is always available. However, my pride was not going to tell him to stay so I asked him to get Ibrahim the interpreter.

As soon as the interpreter saw me, he started begging on behalf of his blockhead brother.

“No ves madam… na de Ingilis de worry am. Abeg no ves.”

Apparently, because of all my shouting earlier, he thought I had sacked him and that was why he packed his stuff up. The interpreter continued to beg while I acted like I I was pondering over whether or not to let him go.

Me: Ibrahim, I don taya for your brother o! Im dey make me shout. I no wan too shout.

Interpreter turned to the blockhead and said something in Hausa. I could tell he was also angry with blockhead. They had a short exchange and finally, blockhead looked up at me and said, “Sorry madame.”

I fronted some more and finally said he could stay. They both started to thank me profusely. I held my hand up to silence them…

Me: Wait wait wait… what of my generator? How we go do am? I see say you wan spoil am for me abi?

Blockhead: Yes… e dey spoil am.