080-B-O-O-T-Y-C-A-L-L

Good morning wonderful people!!!

I have work to do so I don’t know why I’m here… I’m soooo excited because I’m starting leave again on Monday. I had 10 leave days remaining from last year and after a tough, bloody battle with HR, my leave was finally approved. I was only given 5 days, but it’s better than nothing at all. Meanwhile, I have zero plans for the leave o. Smh…

It’s that time of year again and people are already so worked up! I hear girls are texting random exes and giving false hope to previously friend-zoned boys. No one wants to be alone tomorrow. And as usual, hearts will break…  Me, I love love, but I think whatever Valentine spirit I used to have in me is now dead. Hopefully, someday it will resurrect whenever I fall in love again, but for now, it’s just another day in the year.

Last year’s Val’s day was quite eventful, but not for me. I was still in my former client’s office and all the women got roses, cakes and gifts from their husbands, boyfriends, sugar daddies, toasters, friends-with-benefitors etc. It was interesting to watch, plus I got a lot of second-hand cake and chocolate handed down to me from my friend 😀

Don’t judge me… I have no shame.

A week before Val’s day, the guy I was sorta seeing then asked me what plans I had on the 15th. I was confused because I thought, who makes plans for February 15th?? What if it’s a trick? What if he’s planning a surprise? What if Stella Oduah thought she was paying for two Batmobiles? What if? What if?! What if?! Unfortunately, we had a fight some days before Val’s day and because I’m familiar with the fight-before-Val’s-day technique, I promptly discarded all those ‘what if?’ thoughts, got new batteries and resigned myself to having a romantic night with my dildo. I didn’t expect anything so I wasn’t disappointed.

The traffic report that day was grim so I chilled in the office till 9:00pm and still spent close to two hours in traffic on the way home. By the time I got home, I was too exhausted to do any effective and productive wanking so I slept. Basically, there was absolutely nothing spectacular about the day… but I was fine. Honestly. I wasn’t sad or depressed or anything. It was just one of those things. Me and the guy weren’t exactly dating, we weren’t official so it was all good.

Saturday the 15th was when I had a problem. I don’t remember what kind of day the 15th was but very late at night I was in bed, about to sleep, when I got a Whatsapp message from this dude. It started out innocently enough, till he mentioned that he was in the neighborhood, on his way back from an event. Can he come over?

I had mixed emotions, but what I felt most was cold-water-poured-over-my-body type of shock. Baba God, I asked, na me be dis? I sat up and stared at the screen for a long moment to make sure I was reading the words right.

Thank God for experience though… we’ve been there, done that. We have PhDs in this game. Plus we have gold medals for long jumping into conclusions. My theory was that this dude probably spent Val’s day with someone else. Knowing him, he splurged… went all out to impress whoever she was. The celebration continued on Saturday, they went to the party and when it was over, she sent him home with a kiss on his cheek and a pair of blue hairy balls.

That’s how he ended up on Whatsapp, chatting with me and because I’m such a nice, sweet girl 😉  I continued to chat with him. I figured that the party he attended was the same thing he had invited me to for the 15th. I asked him and he said, yes, it was the same thing. I asked how it went and he said it was really nice, he had a lot of fun. It wasn’t long before he wrote that he was outside my house… dude wasn’t kidding when he said he was in my neighborhood.

I was in a dilemma. It was 11:30pm and he was outside.  There were only two options;

  1. I could go out and let him in. We would have wild animalistic sex, sleep and make breakfast together in the morning. But then I would hate myself later.
  2. The second choice was to talk to him about my feelings, tell him that I felt terribly disrespected and let him down gently.

The knocking at the gate was getting louder and more frequent so I picked option three: I turned over and slept like a baby.

Happy Val’s Day guys… please don’t hurt anyone :-*

First of all, I would like to thank God…

Hello people!!

The funniest thing happened yesterday… I just had to gist you about it.

I couldn’t buy credits online in the evening so immediately I got home, I dropped my bags, got some money and went out to get credits. There’s this malam’s shop at the end of my street where I used buy stuff from all the time… I got there last night and I was surprised to see 3 of my old abokis, guys that I hadn’t seen in a loooong time. Apparently, they had traveled up North and came back towards the end of last year.

There was a lot of excitement, lots of hugging and hailing and greeting. Then we sat in a circle around a camp fire and did some catching up over suya and warm mugs of kunu…

I’m kidding  😀

There was no hugging. They were just happy to see me and I was happy to see them thas all. Every 10 seconds, they would ask, “How de work na?” and I kept saying “We thank God o! Work dey fine”. In reality, work no dey fine, but there was no point explaining the details to them. What do they know about modern day consulting and the growing trends in Human Resources?

“So why we no dey see you again na? Na de work?”

I sighed and finally said, “Oga, the work hard o! I don taya…”

At that, they all laughed, but then my main paddy out of the three said, “At least de work don come. Dat time wey de work never come, you dey shout work! work! Now e don come so e good. Money go dey enter small small.”

I was reminded of those days of unemployment. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem like such a long time ago. I used to stop by their shop to buy a white handkerchief and some chewing gum before going for all those job interviews. The gum was supposed to be for minty fresh breath but I would never chew it because I was afraid I would get carried away and chew like a retarded prostitute in front of the interviewer.

I remember that a few times, I actually considered dropping my CV with the abokis because of their clientele. Some big men in big cars used to park outside their shop, especially at night. The shop is at the corner of another street that leads to a hidden estate so a lot of these men used to stop and get cigarettes before driving out or driving back home. I thought they might be able to speak to one of their big-men customers on my behalf, but the only big men I ever met there were not interested in my creative and analytical skills. The big question on their minds was, “Can she swallow?”

I also remember on some very low weekends, when I had no food at home, I would take an empty bag and walk down to their kiosk to get supplies till whenever I had the cash to pay. I would get pasta, eggs, drinks, drinks and more drinks, mosquito repellent, tin tomatoes, drinking water etc. Now see how times have changed!…

Those are the people I should never ever forget really. Maybe when I’m picking up my Grammy or Oscar or Nobel Piss Prize, assuming that Kanye doesn’t interrupt me, I will accept it with my aboki posse… because they were there for me when I was nobody.

As you were…

Dear Aunty Ngor…

Dear Aunty Ngor,

I have a problem…

Many years ago, I dated this guy. I wouldn’t exactly call it dating because he was much older and more experienced so he kinda just “took” me as his own… I was young and stupid then and although he wasn’t my first, I really didn’t know any better. I’m not tooting my own horn, but I was a babe at the time. I had guys fighting over me. I had have beauty and brains and I could do crazy things with my waist. My nickname then was Flexibility. However, deep down, I knew that none of those men really cared about me… they just wanted to possess me.

And that’s exactly what they did. Guy after guy, it was the same thing. Some were worse than others. Some relationships started off well enough, but in the end, they were all the same.

Anyway, this particular guy I dated, he had a really mean streak… the guy had zero chill. Maybe it was the age difference, I don’t know, but the man put the fear of God in me. One wise crack or one tiny joke about his sexual prowess and ol’ boy would tear me slap. I could never really be myself around him. I realized that the guy meant business when some of my family and close friends started getting missing, or turning up dead in ditches with their tongues cut off.

Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last very long. After him I went through a few more guys till someone set me up on a blind date with this other dude. I think I got caught up in this new guy’s popularity. He made me sooo many promises and for a brief period, he actually seemed like he was different from the rest. He never fought with me. In fact, to be honest, I thought he was a push-over. I was fond of him, but that was all. I didn’t love him… I had given up on love a long time ago. I just needed someone who would treat me the way I deserved to be treated.

I was so wrong! It didn’t take long before the abuse started. He raped me and beat me repeatedly. He was a monster in grey agbada… the exact opposite of what he promised. Sometimes, he would invite his friends over and they would gang-rape me. The worst was when he hid food from me and the kids. He would eat large meals and have the cook put the left overs in take-away packs. I and the kids barely survived on the crumbs that fell off the table.

And there were other women with illegitimate kids scattered around the country. The humiliation was unbearable. On the worst day of my life, in the middle of the night, my kids were kidnapped… snatched from their beds and taken away from me to God knows where. Till now, I haven’t heard a word on their whereabouts. I still blame myself; maybe if I had done something differently that night… if only I had locked the doors and windows… if only I hadn’t mixed those bloody sleeping pills with alcohol, I would’ve heard the intruders when they cameI have carried this guilt in my heart for almost a year now.

My husband said nothing. It was as if he didn’t care. The neighbours tried to talk to him, but he told them everything was fine. He vowed that he would get the kids back safe and sound, but behind closed doors, away from the glare of the public, he would warn me to stop weeping… he said my cries irritated him.

Ngozi, I’m ready to leave him. I don’t think I will ever stop mourning my kids, and I have made up my mind to go. I have had enough…

Our rent expires soon and I think my husband can see it in my eyes that I am fed up, he sees my resolve and he knows he has finally lost me. He has started again with his promises. He swears that he’s going to change… he’s going to take better care of me, he’s going to protect me and (is it possible?) he’s going to get our kids back. I dare not believe him, but what if it’s true? What if he can bring my girls back? What if it was just bad friends that made him the monster that he became?

My problem is that my ex wants me back. I’ve hooked up with him a few times recently and he seems different, more relaxed and less evil… he smiles more and he listens to me when I talk. He never used to listen. He wasn’t the perfect man then, but isn’t anything better than the torment I’m going through right now? I’m so confused… I don’t wanna go back to my old vomit, but I would rather die than stay with my husband.

Ngozi, please help. What should I do?

Mrs Ija, N. A.

________________________________________________________________________

Dear N.A.Ija,

I’m truly sorry for all that you’ve been through. Ordinarily, I would’ve called you a ho’ for dating so many men, but it’s not in my place to judge you.

There’s an old saying; The best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new. Since you can’t keep your legs closed, if you must be with a man, I would suggest that you go back to the dating scene. Go out and meet someone new!

Who says you have to choose between the both of them? You seem to attract the same kind of man. Don’t limit yourself to that. You deserve so much more than what you have been getting. You have about six weeks till your rent expires… go out and meet younger men and women if you swing that way 😉

Good luck!