The Ministry of Greeting

My country people…

                 How una dey? I’m ok. I’m back at work now. Not surprising, my two short weeks of annual leave flew by. I spent my days faffing around the house naked, eating popcorn and drinking Snapp. I can count the number of times on one hand that I had a proper bath. I saw a couple of movies and visited one friend, but nothing special happened the entire time. I’m happy I rested though.

            I finally resumed at work and for the first three or four days back, I struggled to settle in. I was like a ghost of myself, coming out of my cubicle only when it was lunch time. I missed my house, my bed, I missed my Tv, I missed my microwave popcorn, and most of all, I missed my Snapp. It got so bad that I had to check Google to find out if there’s a medical condition for people who have a hard time getting back to work after being away from the office. The only condition I saw was for pregnant women, and contrary to the size of my stomach, I am not pregnant.

Naturally, there was a pile of work waiting for me on my desk… two weeks’ worth of work. I was so lost!

           But, I’m fully back now… and it’s like I never left. Quite a bit has happened since the last time we spoke. The first major thing is I got baptized! 😀 Me and about twenty other people registered for baptism in church, we took the classes and then, on the 1st of November, we drove to a hotel swimming pool and got baptized. It was a really big deal for me because I’m the only one in my family who hasn’t been baptized by immersion.

          The pool was disappointing because it wasn’t clear blue water like in holiday brochures. Honestly, it looked like a pond for rearing catfish but we were assured that the water was clean. After I was immersed, the heavens opened and out came a white dove. Then the voice of the Lord spake and said thus,

“Oops… I thought this was someone else, with whom I am well pleased.”

The dove pooped on my head *splat!* and flew away…  :’(

            The second gist is that I am now a church worker. I have gone from occasionally cleaning church to being a full-fledged church worker. I am finding it so difficult because church people are humans, and humans are not perfect. I have to keep reminding myself of that. So, when my department head starts whining about every.single.bloody.thing, I have to remember that church people are not perfect people.

             My church job is not hard. All I do is stand by the gate, smile at people like a crazed mo’fo and scream ‘Good morning! Welcome to church!’ The idea is that our smile(s) can brighten someone’s day or change someone’s life. I don’t think it works, but what do I know? If anything, I feel we are too many greeters and our greeting gets awkward for a lot of people. There’s one lady who likes to hug people, and another who insists on shaking people’s hands. So you can actually see people get confused about whether or not they should hug everyone else after the first hug, or shake everyone or just smile and nod their heads in acknowledgment.

             I’ve even started to suspect that some members dodge us… The Crazy Greeting Ladies. If there was a back door, they would probably go through there. Sometimes, we catch poor, unsuspecting people unawares, usually first-timers. They get checked by security and as soon as they step in through the gates, they are assaulted by our ‘Good morning! Welcome to church!’. At this rate, one day we will shock a high BP sufferer into a stroke… ( ._.)

             My first day on the job, I got to hold the tray of sweets. No one told me I wasn’t allowed to lick any so by the time we were going in for the service, half the sweets were gone and I had minty fresh, Vicks Lemon Plus breath… ( ._.) Since then, I haven’t been allowed near the sweet tray 🙁

             Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to handle some personal stuff. Some days I can deal, other days I just can’t. I try, but I can’t. And it’s sad because on Sunday morning and Wednesday evening you’re in church, you’re being told to always confess positively. You mustn’t speak negative things into your life… In the kingdom of God, there is no such thing as depression. So you proclaim all the positive bible verses you know;

Philippians 4:19 My God shall supply all my needs

Psalm 121:7 The Lord shall preserve me from evil

Songs of Solomon 4:5 My breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle… ( ._.)

…but deep down, inside you, you know how unhappy you are. Your  needs are not exactly ‘met’, there are evil people around you and your breasts are nothing like fawns… in fact, they look like they are headed straight for your belly button.

               The year is almost over and I’ve accomplished nothing *sigh*

               Have a perky lovely week darlings.