Why I am a fraud…

Good morning beautiful people!!

My name is Ngozi and I am a fraud… ( ._.)

The other day, after service, this dude walked up to me in church. You know how, after service, you bow your head and head straight for the door to avoid spending another thirty or so minutes greeting people? But no matter how hard you try to escape, you must run into a few brethren on your way out. You gotta remember people’s names and say hi and exchange holy pleasantries that don’t really make a lotta sense.

Hello brother Joseph, how is work?Ah, sister we blex God.

You are blessed sixta Modesta. So ha ees tins?Ah, brother Ndubuisi, God be praised o.

Sister Esmeralda, I can see you’re bleeding from your eyes and nose. It is wellYes oh it is well! No Ebola virus will come near me and my family in Jesus’ name *coughs and spits out blood*

Anyway, this guy caught up with me at the door. He was smiling broadly and we started the small talk. We covered work, how the weekend had been so far and family. I thought it was over till he mentioned that “some of us were discussing the other time and they mentioned your name”. I was immediately intrigued and a million questions came to mind- Who was discussing? Why did my name come up? What were they talking about? Has anyone told this guy about his breath?

“Ahn ahn… how come?” I asked.

What he said next is the reason I am a fraud ( ._.)

He said that during their last singles prayer meeting/fellowship, there was a short session at the end during which people were allowed to ask questions. Some guy asked a question about marriage and meeting the right girl. He complained about there being a shortage of “wife material” in our church as the girls in church are too proud, they are loose and are in the market for only high-profile or well-to-do men (outside of church).

After the meeting, a few of the guys (him and his friends) gathered to further discuss the growing lack of wife material in the church. His group of friends consists of a homeless estate agent who lives in the church building, one dry-cleaner, one frozen-foods sales boy and a supermarket attendant. I’m not sure what he does for a living. He was impressed that my name came up and they all agreed that I am “God-fearing, simple and humble”. I am wife material because I haven’t been banging guys in church and I am never seen in dodgy places or with questionable characters.

He said I’m not like some others girls who drink (LOOOOOL!!!) or smoke.  I am not rude (LAAAAAWL!!!) and I am concerned about the things of God (ROTFLMFAO!!!!). He was talking like he had an award to give me for being elected one of the “Wifematerialest” girls in church and then ended by telling me to “keep up the good work.” I smiled and said thank you, cos I didn’t know how else to respond. We exchanged our holy goodbyes and I went home. Then I called a friend up and told her so that we could laugh about it together. She too almost died of laughter.

Afterwards, when I stopped laughing, I took time to really think about it and I had mixed feelings. On one hand, I was deeply insulted because Jesus didn’t die for me to be a dry-cleaner’s wife. Pray tell, what then is the use of Mary Kay every Sunday? On the other hand, I felt like a fraud. Yeah, I tend to get carried away during praise and worship and I have been known to shed a tear or two. Most of my weekends are wig-less weekends so I go to church with my short afro. And once in a while, I join the members of the Environment Department in cleaning the church compound so maybe it makes sense that based on shit like that, some people might believe that I am the Virgin Mary.

Still, I’m not planning to correct this impression. Lord knows I didn’t intentionally deceive anyone, but at the same time, I won’t put up a sign that says “Hey, I’m the poster girl for Snapp and my monthly megabytes are divided somewhat unequally between Joel Osteen’s e-books and porn”.

My brother says I should send them a link to my blog and watch my yards of wife material go up in flames ( ._.) What do you guys think?

Have a great weekend brethren… God be praised!

Happy Anniversary HR-Ngo!

Hello beautiful people…

Hope you guys are doing great. Today has started off horribly and my group head has been yelling at me non-stop. My supervisor keeps rubbing my back and telling me “well done”. I can tell she’s afraid I’m going to flip and say something to our group head that we will all regret… but, the truth is, I’m fine. Yeah, I’m kinda irritated by all the yelling cos of the sprays of spittle that come with it (these are evil Ebola times ya know), but really I’m fine because I’m celebrating something today.

Today is my work birthday!!!

*waits for applause to die down*

Exactly one year ago today, I officially started work here. I wish I could say that it feels like yesterday, but it doesn’t… it feels like 7 and a half years ago. In that time, I have grown two strands of grey hair on my head and countless more strands on erm… other places. To be honest, it has been an incredibly tough year, especially the last few months.

Still, I am grateful to God that even with all the trouble (the ones I caused knowingly and unknowingly), I wasn’t sacked. I’m grateful for the friends I made in my former clients office. And, most of all, I’m proud of myself for not giving up when things were at their worst. Did I learn any new thing about myself? Probably not… there isn’t much I didn’t already know before I started work here.

There are,  however, a few lessons I learnt the hard way about work/office life;

  1. When you are on the phone with a colleague, always assume you are on speaker. That way, no matter how angry you are, you won’t call the company accountant a daft tuber of yam  ( ._.)
  2. Be publicly hard-working… focus on the jobs that will get you recognition. It is more important to appear to be doing work than to actually be working. Clutter your desk with files… put up sticky notes with meaningless HR quotes… loosen your tie and roll up your sleeves and no one will suspect you are on Jumia or LindaIkeji.
  3. Everyone is a suspect. Nevertheless, when your pastor commands you to pray for your enemies to fall and die, do not show up to work on Monday morning to start asking people, “Ahn ahn! Are you still here?”
  4. Document everything! If your colleague tells you about a change in plans, send a mail so that he/she can confirm it in writing. If your boss sneezes, send her a mail to say “Bless you”… if your colleague mistakenly sends you nudes, document it. Document! Document! Document!
  5. Wherever two or three Yoruba people are gathered and you are in their midst, don’t be naïve: the answer is yes, they are talking about you.

I think those are the most important ones… I’m still learning lesson No.4 though.

Meanwhile, I didn’t gist you guys about something good that happened at work last month. I was going to write about it but then I changed my mind cos I don’t want you guys to start liking my company. Anyway, last month, we had another appraisal and because of how terrible my last two appraisals were, I was not excited at all. In fact, I was scared. But this one was different. At the end of it, one of my ogas complained that I have a habit of scoring myself ridiculously low in some areas where she felt I did ok. She even sent me back twice to fill the appraisal form again. By the time we were done with the first and second levels, my performance (on paper) was waaaay better and I was no longer scoring lower than ManU. Add to that some commendations from a few team leads (who apparently think I am “hardworking”)and voila! I received a promotion… And it was a promotion that came with a 50% salary increase!  ( ._.) Yaay me!

Anyway, I gotta go. I started this post in the morning but I haven’t sat my ass down for five minutes straight since then. Now the day is over… *sigh*

Happy birthday Work-Ngozi!!!  And congrats on the promotion…

As for you guys, I wish you all an amazing new month!