Office bathroom selfies…

Hello people!

Hope you guys are doing great. Today started out so sloooow… I got to work and for the first few hours, absolutely nothing was happening. This new role of mine is so very different from my last role where Monday mornings were always chaotic. Today, I spent close to an hour taking selfies in the bathroom. I really liked the selfies so I did what my boss always asks us to do- I went the extra mile and took proactive steps and got one of the cleaners to help me take full-length pictures of me in my new dress… I threatened to fire him if he didn’t.

Turns out that he’s a pro… there was no need to threaten him because the guy takes pictures for a lotta girls in the office. When I told him to help me, he asked, “Ahn ahn… Ngozi, since when did you join them?”

My phone is bad and I don’t know if it can be fixed 🙁 Almost 3 weeks ago, it just packed up one day and died… so you guys can imagine all the stuff I’ve lost. I don’t have anyone’s number anymore, except the numbers I’ve always had in my head. And I’m one of those people who keep text messages and chats so it’s painful that I have lost messages from as far back as early last year. I had so many romantic messages from former toasters that I could’ve used to easily destroy their future political careers… I just thank God that all my pictures and porn clips are saved in my memory card and my memory card is fine 😉

Meanwhile, I didn’t tell you guys it was my birthday on the 1st of July… ( ._.)

It fell smack in the middle of my depressed phase. I planned to put up a blog post that morning because talking to you guys always ALWAYS leaves me feeling better. I was going to list 32 things I’m grateful for…  and I chose 32 because that’s how old I am, but that day came and went and I had nothing to say.

I wasted the day because I had assumed that someone else had made plans. Yes, now I admit that it was very very stupid of me to make that kind of assumption, but it was because he (the someone else) had asked me several times what my plans were for my birthday. Even after I told him I had none, he still asked. Then on that day, he wanted to know exactly where I was at every point in time… Let me know when you get to the office… Where are you now?… Are you leaving the office? How long will you be gone for?… Are you home yet?… After all that, was it wrong for me to have assumed?

Anyway, that’s how it went till my day finished and nothing spectacular happened. I got 20 questions and nothing more. I was still new in Recruitment then and the work load was light, so apart from the fact that I was looking extra nice, it was a normal day like every other. It rained heavily that day so there was demonic traffic on my way home and I didn’t get home till very late. By that time, my friend who came to see me had gone home. I learned a very big lesson that day.

Two days later, to the glory of God, my phone died and I have had peace since then. Peace because the death of my phone brought about the end of all my secret friendships…

Did you ask, “What is a secret friendship?”

Well, I’ll tell you what it is… a secret friendship is one in which you and the person chat all the time on Whatsapp or BBM or whatever chatting mechanism people use these days. You keep up with each other’s lives, down to the tiniest details and yet, you are not friends in real life. You don’t go anywhere together, you’re never seen together, you don’t even see each other, but the person takes up so much of your time. He or she has a real life that you are not part of… their friends and family don’t even know you exist :’(

Who needs that kind of wahala?

Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to fix another birthday for myself to make up for this very annoying one… I’ll pick a new date (probably sometime after I get paid for the month) and do something nice and small. I will also put up the 32 things I’m grateful for on my new birthday. I’ll let you guys know the date when I decide.

And I would like to thank everyone who sent a birthday message on Facebook… I didn’t see all the messages till the next day :’( and it was too bad because that woulda really made my day. Thank you guys so much!

Here are pictures of my new dress 😀

Have a lovely week!

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ps- I didn’t really have anything to say… just wanted to show you my dress ( ._.)

Ok bye.

Let’s catch up… :)

Hello beautiful people!

How have you guys been?

I feel like I’m just crawling out of a very dark hole after weeks in hiding… which is technically what I’m doing. It’s been ages since my last post and A LOT has happened. I stayed away because I thought I would have a different ending to this story, but I don’t. So I will have to tell you as it is…

It started at the end of May when I finally lost my client for good. Again, I was pulled out of their office and brought back to head office and I was stripped of everything; my files, my official line, the project I was working on and most of all, my pride. The only thing they left me with was my underwear. At the start of all this drama, I wasn’t fazed at all… I had been there, done that. In fact, I was over-confident, strutting around the office like I was untouchable. I almost printed a T-shirt with the words;

                                                Do you know who I am? Nigga ask about me!

This is because I was so sure that my client would fight for me again, and would win again, and all would be well with the world once more.  They (my client) kept telling me to not be worried, they were going to bring me back. However, as the days turned to weeks, reality set in. Some other dude was sent to replace me, he was given all my stuff and that was the end. And it wasn’t like I was asked to take my replacement’s former role. I wasn’t assigned any duties at all, I had no desk. Nothing.

I came to work every day and hid in one of the back offices till closing time just to avoid my colleagues. I didn’t want to answer any questions and I didn’t want sympathy, genuine or fake. And because my colleagues were used to me not being around (plus the fact that I had no desk in that big office), no one ever noticed that I was missing. I took advantage of my invisibility by skipping work a few times. One time, I stayed away for two days straight. I was at home, lying in bed, eating like a pig and feeling sorry for myself. I showed up to work on the third day and only the receptionist noticed that she hadn’t seen me the day before.

I went to see our HR a couple of times about assigning me to a new desk and giving me a proper role and she kept promising to look into it. I became terribly depressed… the kind of depression that makes you burst into tears for no reason whatsoever. I was praying I would get fired and save myself the stress of writing a resignation letter. Then one day, as I was sneaking out of the office, I got caught by one of the powers that be and he asked where I was going. I wanted to lie- I’m going to use the ATM… I’m not feeling well… my pet dog is in labour– but there was no point, so I told him the truth, that I was going home.

His eyes almost popped out of his head in shock. His neck vein was throbbing, and it grew to the size of his tie. It was by God’s special grace that he didn’t have a stroke that day. It was actually closing time, but there is an unwritten rule of Ass-kissing that doesn’t allow people leave the office until an hour or two after the official closing time. The very next day, first thing in the morning, I was posted to Recruitment Department and that’s where I have been since.

I am still trying to settle in and it has been so hard. First of all, I got banned from speaking during interviews because, according to my new supervisor, I was giving the candidates a hard time. She said my standards are too high and that I needed to get down from my high horse. Every minute she reminded me; this is not your client’s office o! We don’t do this here or we don’t do that here.

In my short time in this new team, I have met and interviewed like a million people for a million different roles. There are days when that is all I do, from morning till evening. And after meeting all these people, I have come to the conclusion that all Polytechnics and a good number of Universities in Nigeria need to be razed to the ground and converted to cassava farmlands and poultries, or they can just be left as dry desert lands. The products of these schools are proof that our Educational system is in trouble. I have heard gbagauns and I have been told lies that have made me question life.

There are people who claim to have been born in the 80’s or early 90’s but look like they are in the late stages of menopause. You begin to dig deeper and they get confused because they start mixing dates up… then you whip out a calculator and ask them to calculate it themselves. When they are finally backed into a corner, some change their minds and decide that it must be a typo from the cybercafé where they typed the CV. The diehards stick to their story and refuse to admit defeat. You ask one last time… give them a chance to repent and their bogus answer remains the same:

Yes, I graduated from Secondary School at the age of twelve… because I was a gifted child.

Then there was a day I asked another candidate why she wants to leave her current job and she said, “Well, I want to leave because I just want to wide my stethoscopes.” I actually choked on my water. I almost asked her how much she bought her university degree.

And don’t let me start with the email addresses of some of these people! Nigerian youths need to know that they can’t expect to be taken seriously when they send in a CV with their email address as tweakmynipu@gmail.com

Or bendmeova2000@yahoo.com

Or spankthatazz@hotmail.com

I see stuff like that and I am tempted to buy akara and wrap it in that CV. I am trying to console myself with the fact that there must be a reason I am here… maybe God wants me to help people so that they don’t go through half the crap I went through when I was still job searching.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I am now a Recruitment Analyst. It doesn’t sound half as cool as HR Analyst does it? The only good thing is that my new supervisor is a decent human being. Plus I have developed a huge crush on one of my colleagues *bats eyelids and twirls hair*

I should go now… I am so sorry for the ridiculously long post. And I still have more gist o!

( ._.)

We’ll continue catching up tomorrow.

Have a great weekend guys!