Children of God, PRAAAISE DA LORD!!!

Hello wonderful people!

Good morning… How are you this beautiful morning? In case you can’t tell, I’m in a great mood 😀 and I’ll tell you why…

I have a colleague who lives with her sister and brother-in-law in my area. Whenever I have to go to the mainland for work, I usually get a ride with them. Her brother-in-law drops us off in front of the office and it makes life a million times easier for both of us. However, her bro-in-law is a bawse… nigga can wake up on any day of the week and decide to not go to work or he can decide to show up in his office at wheneverthefuckhefeelslike o’clock. On days like that, getting to work can be a real pain. We have to stand at our bus stop for ages before we get a straight bus going our way. We still get dropped off in front of our office, but the difference is that the buses are not air-conditioned like our bro-in-law’s car and in the buses, we get squished under random people’s armpits… and our perfumes get mixed up :’(

Today was one of those bus days. We were on the expressway, not far from the office and our idiot driver was on full speed. Another idiot, also on full speed attempted to enter the same lane our driver was entering. Neither idiot stopped and as people screamed and shouted and called for the blood of Jesus, our bus rammed into the car and spun a bit till  the idiot driver managed to get it under control. Luckily for us, no other car was around so no one else was involved. Both vehicles were badly dented but the guy in the car didn’t stop… he sped off and continued on his way to wherever.

The other passengers were still shook up after the accident and a few of the ladies were still screaming. Me, I was just excited that I had a new blog post. And not just that… here’s the real reason I’m excited;

Two weeks ago, there was a prayer thing in church. It was for some days and we met every evening to pray. At the start of each meeting, our pastor would encourage people to share their testimonies. The idea was so that other people would be encouraged when they hear testimonies… like a reassurance that their prayers are not in vain and will be answered.

So, one day, I was moved to share my testimony. It was about reconnecting with two people I’ve been trying to reach for over a year… one person I’d been trying to reach is in the right position to help me get a better job, possibly that oil block I’ve been dreaming of and the other person has the power make me president  (-_-)

As I said, reaching them has been near impossible so when I got those phone calls from both of them at different times within that week, you bet I thought of it as a miracle… it was a testimony worth sharing. However, immediately after sharing this testimony, I felt stupid. The hall went quiet and people were staring at me with blank faces. I could hear crickets in the background. In their minds, they were like, “You got two phones calls and so what? Shall we then tear our pant in excitement?” It was the pastor who saved me when he started to applaud and only a few people picked up and clapped along with him before the applause  died down. Talk about awkward moments! I sat down in shame and vowed that I would never embarrass myself like that again!

You see, my church likes juicy testimonies… the kind that make people gasp in shock and then rejoice at the ending. So, if you did not wake up in a coven surrounded by witches boiling your destiny in a huge pot, or if you were not in a car accident in which the car somersaulted at least five times and caught fire, then you better keep that shit to yourself. No one wants to hear about your phone calls… unless the phone call was from a dead relative, warning you about some future mishap.

And that’s why I’m in such a great mood! I finally have a testimony that will get a round of applause… and if I deliver it well enough, maybe embellish it with one or two somersaults, the choir might burst into song and dance. I could even add that my spirit told me not to go anywhere this morning… or say that the driver was drunk. I’m overwhelmed with all the possibilities!!

Do you guys think I should give a special number first? Should I start crying during the special number or in the middle of the testimony? My fear is that I have a tendency to get carried away… I might mistakenly start singing that Dorobuchi song while the choir is singing. Or am I the only one who thinks it sounds like a church song? I’m getting confused…

I gotta go now… I need to practice my delivery.

Have a wonderful day!

My day off…

Hello people! :'(

I’m ill… I had a funky piece of turkey from the office yesterday. It looked funny, but the chef claimed that it was grilled  turkey so I ordered it. I should’ve suspected something was wrong when I could hear it clucking and flapping it’s wings, but I was hungry, so I ate it for dinner when I got home. Then I had my bath and went to bed pretty early…

I woke up in the middle of the night (around the time my pastor says that witches start their meetings)… almost 1:00am and I felt terrible. My intestines were dancing skelewu in slow motion. I didn’t have to think too hard about what the problem was… I knew it was that demonic turkey fighting to be let out. What I wasn’t sure of was which end it wanted to be let out of.

I had some water and walked around the house a bit so that he (yes, I decided it was a male piece of turkey) could move around and make up his mind. Finally, I threw up. And I’ve been projectile vomiting all over the place since then. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep. By this morning, I was sure there was nothing left inside of me… I literally puked out my guts and some brain matter. Still feeling like crap, I got ready for work and called my colleague, a lady I go to work with. I told her what happened and she asked, “Who are you trying to impress by going to work? Do you want to be puking every 30minutes?”

I thought about all the pregnancy rumors that would start going round the office if I was running to the bathroom to throw up every 30minutes… or what if he, the turkey, turns around and decides to start coming out the other end? All my silent farting, a skill that I am quite proud of, will no longer be so silent… it might even yield unwanted results. So I stayed back.

I’m grossing you guys out right? Sorry… I just never imagined that my first day off would be like this. First of all, I never imagined that when I take a day off claiming to be ill that I would actually be ill. I should be on my way to the cinemas to watch 4/5 movies at a stretch or running personal errands or even going to visit friends, not lying in bed trying to hold in my farts.

Another reason it’s annoying me is that I’m a record keeper. Most of my records are personal records and almost all of them don’t make sense, but I still keep them. Yesterday morning, I was bragging to two of my colleagues that I am the only one in the company who has never taken a day off for any reason. I also added that I’m the only one who has never been sick and had to go to the hospital. It’s pointless records like that that I like to keep… like there’s ever going to be a cash prize for being the only person in my office bold enough to turn off the AC that day the adapter caught fire. Big deal. If I had been roasted alive by the socket that day, life would go on…

Anyway, I’ve broken my own record and I’m home for the day. I’m feeling much better actually… but I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I might go get some groceries later and make a nice large salad. I’ve had coffee this morning and I don’t have appetite for anything else, but a salad should be safe enough abi? Then, if I’m good enough, I’ll probably go for a run in the evening… *sigh*

I don’t know… Enjoy your day people :-*