Drop it like it’s haaawt…

Good morning people… 🙁

It’s bright and early Monday morning and I’m already having one of those days. I got beaten by rain and ended up getting to work more than one hour late… I switched on my system and emails started dropping like dead flies.

Now I have a ton of work that needs to be done and I don’t even know where to begin. So I’ve done what I sometimes do when I’m overwhelmed… I’ve shoved everything under my desk to be dealt with later. Maybe by the time I’m done writing this post, I’ll be fine. Or at least ok enough to face these emails.

I wanted to tell you guys about something I did recently. I should have given you the gist earlier but based on the reactions of two of my guy friends, I decided against it because I felt you might judge me. But then, a funny thing happened in the office so I figured that I might as well tell you.

Ok, so erm… early this month I erm… I paid for Pole Dancing classes.

*awkward silence*

(._. )  (._.)  ( ._.)

Yes, I said Pole Dancing.

I didn’t tell anyone at first… I went for my first class two weeks ago and I had a FAN.TASTIC time! My dance instructor is a girl named Tara who doesn’t have any bones and can do amazing things on a pole. Maybe because I joke about dancing on poles a lot, or maybe my great-great-grandmother got on a slave ship to the US and she became a world famous pole dancer and I inherited her genes… whatever the case, it didn’t take me long to get the hang of a lot of the moves. Tara said I’m a natural 😀 (and I don’t care if you think she was paid to say that).

So far, I’ve learnt two routines which is cool when we’re dancing as a group, but she usually encourages us to freestyle when we’re dancing solo…

Only thing I really had trouble with was lifting cos I have zero upper body strength… she has to tie wraps of suya at the top of my pole and that is how I am able to lift myself up high enough to grab the suya and then slide down again… 😀

I’m kidding… I don’t have to slide down after getting the suya. I just hang up there and eat it ( ._.)

Anyway, I got back home with a few bruised ribs and at least one missing tooth but brethren, I cannot describe how good I felt. I was so happy I had to share it and that was when I told two of my guy friends. They were equally shocked but both wanted to know; “Of all the new and exciting things I could try out, why pole dancing?”

Truth is, I do not know… I thought it would be fun and that’s exactly what it turned out to be. We dance to incredibly loud music- mostly a lotta Beyonce and some old school R n’ B… Usher, Genuwine-  and there’s a plenty booty-snapping, ass popping and hair flipping involved. I’ve gone for three more classes since then and if I could afford it, I would go for more. I’m aiming for once or twice a week…

Have no fear people. If I’m gonna resign and become a stripper, you guys will be the first to hear of it.

Now let me tell you the thing that happened in the office…

Before I went to my first class, I had to print out the online voucher/receipt for the class. In my office, I’m not connected to any of the printers because it is not really my office. It’s my client’s office, I just work from there and report to my head office once in a while.

I saved the voucher in a flash and asked this nice guy if I could use his system to print it out. I told him that I did not want him to see what I was printing so he actually got up to give me privacy. I printed out my voucher, grabbed it while it was still rolling out of the printer and rushed off… I left the office quite early cos I didn’t wanna be late for my first class.

Next day, I showed up to work bruised and sore all over, but still on the high from my class… I guess the soreness made me a little slow cos my colleague asked what was wrong with me. I told him my back hurt and another middle aged lady some desks away from where I sit piped, “Eyah… sorry. Is it because of the strip dancing?”

Later, when I regained consciousness (I think I fainted from mortification), I asked her how she knew… she said that “they” saw the voucher in the printer. Apparently, I sent it to the demonic printer that has issues and prints out whatever number of copies of your document that the devils tells it to print. So, it was no secret that I went pole dancing… copies of my voucher were scattered around the office like a church program flyer.

She tried to make up of for the embarrassment by telling me that there was nothing to be ashamed of… how it is good exercise… and if she could she would blah blah blah…

*weeps*

I’m over it now… but I just wish she would STOP CALLING IT STRIP DANCING!!!

( ._.)

Have a wonderful week y’all.

 

 

Question for the guys…

Image

Hi people!!

Very short post…

Please, abeg, I need guys to answer a question honestly. And don’t give me the Americanah answer o… I don’t want to hear what you think society would want you to say. I mean, please give me the answer that you believe in, the one that applies to you.

For years, I’ve been wondering about something. I’ve come up with several theories or answers in the past, but so far, none of them have stuck as being true. Recently though, something happened with a friend of mine that has me itching for an answer.

I want to know:

When you meet a girl, and you’re getting to know this girl, how do you decide if she’s the type of girl who will be getting Swarovski jewelry and expensive dinners on a private yacht or if she’s going to be on your road side suya and plastic coke list? Or, if in extreme cases, she gets absolutely nothing. Also, at what point do you decide which group she falls into?

I’ll tell you about the theories I’ve had on this issue and you can tell me where I have it wrong. I was even kind enough to add illustrations  😀

Here goes…

Theory One: Good behavior Theory.

Step 1: Boy meets girl and likes girl…

 

Boy meets girl

Step 2:  Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

Step 3: Girl is on good behavior… girl asks for nothing and demands nothing of the guy, even though she would like nice things.

Behaviour

Step 4: Guy decides that girl is nice and deserving of Swarovski jewelry and gives it to her.

Behaviour

Then I realized that doesn’t work because when the girl demands nothing, she gets nothing. The same guy who sold his scrotum online to be able to afford to take his ex girlfriend on a surprise vacation to Dubai is now telling the new undemanding girl that he’s not a magician… he doesn’t read minds. He can’t guess what she wants unless she opens her mouth and talks.

CONCLUSION: All exes have magical juices which, when swallowed, gives these guys special magical seeing powers to see what women would like.

Theory Two: Destiny’s Child Bills Bills Bills Theory

  1. Boy meets girl and likes girl…
  2.   Behaviour

2. Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

3. Girl demands for everything above and beneath the earth.

Behaviour

4. Boy sells scrotum on Jumia to meet her demands (including said Swarovski jewelry).

Behaviour

However, that one is wrong too because I’ve heard guys complain about blood-sucking materialistic girls. You ask for too much and the guy will change his number and relocate.

CONCLUSION: The merits of online shopping cannot be over emphasized.

Theory Three: Equal partnership Theory

  1. Boy meets girl and likes girl…

Behaviour

2. Boy toasts girl…

Boy toasts

3. Girl goes out of her way to show boy that she likes him by doing nice things for him like buying him things (that she can afford), cooking nice meals etc

Behaviour

4. Boy appreciates the fact that girl is nice and willing to contribute equally to the relationship and buys her Swarovski jewelry.

Behaviour

That too doesn’t work because the guy ends up deciding that the girl is a strong independent woman and therefore does not need anything from him. In some cases, the boy might even end up asking her for Swarovski cuff links… the limited edition.

CONCLUSION: There’s nothing wrong with Amala perfume… I mean, who wouldn’t wanna smell edible?

So those are my three main theories. I have a few others but they are mostly just variations of these three. Besides, I ran outta stick people images to draw…

Please let me know what you guys (and girls) think. I’m a girl and I like nice things, but I am not a materialistic person… there are certain things I would never ask a guy for. But I just wonder sometimes…

Have a great weekend!!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

My country people…  Good evening.

Hope you guys are good.

It’s been a slow week so far for me, nothing at all like my usual Mondays and Tuesdays. Last week was a nightmare and I didn’t get to rest over the weekend. Rain beat the crap out of me on Saturday and I got soaked to my bones. Now, I feel like shit, like I’m coming down with something so I’m trying to take things easy. I’ve been feeding on painkillers and coffee and bread since then.

In fact, to be honest, I’m not really doing anything… I went to our training school Monday morning to address some new recruits. This is the fourth Monday in a row that I’m having to do that. I just wear a tight skirt suit and high heels, stand before a group of 30 to 40 people and talk to tell them about their new jobs. After talking, they clap, then they ask questions and I give them random answers that I pull out of my ass. It’s funny cos a number of them are the same age as me, but when I talk, they look at me like I have the cure to Cancer. They don’t know that I still watch SpongeBob Squarepants and wear non-matching underwear.

Anyway, that’s not what we’re discussing today… today, we’re going to talk about a recent conversation I had with a friend. He’s an ex actually, but we’re still very close friends. Before we go into that though, I’ll tell you about a theory another friend of mine has. This other friend believes that, if by the age of 35 you are still single, then you should know exactly why you are single. And any single person, 35  and above, who claims to not know why is delusional and being dishonest with himself/herself.

I think that theory makes plenty of sense. I’m not 35 yet but I used to think I had a pretty good idea of the reasons I am still single. I thought I had my good sides and bad sides clearly understood.

You know how it is, when someone asks you to describe yourself. Naturally, you start with all the good things first… “I’m caring”, “I’m God fearing”, “I’m nice to a fault”, “I spend my Saturdays in a Motherless babies home” bla bla bla

Then, because you don’t want to look like you think you’re perfect, you mention one or two bad things. But, even the bad things, you say them in a fun way so that they don’t seem too bad…

“I get a lil grumpy sometimes” is a nice way of saying “I am bipolar and I also suffer from multiple personality disorder and one of my personalities might stab you in your sleep”

Or “I’m a scaredy cat who is always afraid to try out new things” could be a way of saying “I will never ever give you head even if your D was the last source of vitamin D in the world.”

You get what I’m saying right?

So we were having this talk and he, my friend, was telling me stuff he couldn”t really say before when we were together. It was a no holds barred, non-sugar coated, bitter truth firing session… I felt bad for days after that talk because I realized that if what he said was true, then I will probably die a lonely old woman.

I’m much better now, and I’m consoling myself with the fact that maybe one day, I will meet a guy with strong enough prescription pills to love me just the way I am. And I won’t tell you what he said just in case the future hubby-slash-prescription-pill-swallower is reading this right now. However, the whole episode made me wonder if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time.

One thing a lot of people don’t know about me is that I sometimes have complex issues and I have a habit of constantly putting myself down. How it works is, even before you mention it, I will tell you that I have only three strands of hair. Before you tell me  that my clothes are last season, I would’ve described myself as old school. It’s the same with my work, my looks, my writing… there’s not much about me that I think is good enough. Or at least as good as I would like it to be.

I am genuinely amazed at people who can stand in front of a mirror and talk about how “hawt” they are or at guys who brag about how charming they are. There are people with heads shaped like used condoms who describe themselves as being very irresistible to the ladies. Girls with dual-purpose asses that can double as ironing boards who talk about how guys wanna “tap this booty”. I even have a friend who thinks he’s a better writer than Stephen King, John Grisham and Obasanjo put together… but the first time I read one of his stories, I had tears in my eyes. Tears because his work was that painful to read.

Yeah, I know you gotta be your biggest cheerleader, your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. I know all that Oprah-self-help BS, but my question is, where do you draw the line between self-confidence and self-deceit??

Me, I’m of the belief that, if you’re hot or charming or brilliant or swimming in money or whatever, you won’t have to say it or make so much noise about it. It’ll show naturally.

I don’t know if I’m making sense… I’ve decided to start reading some self-help books. I might get answers there.

*sigh*

As you were…