Why I’m keeping my chest hair…

Good morning people…

I don’t usually blog during weekends. I write stuff but I don’t put it up cos my statistics show that ya’ll don’t really enjoy reading during weekends… it’s either that or you just prefer using the internet in your office…

So, what have I been up to? As usual, it’s been one job interview after another, but the most interesting thing that happened recently was my trip to Illorin. I actually went for a friend’s wedding, but in the process, I killed two birds with one stone. My Plan-C guy… or my former Plan-C guy stays in Illorin and we’ve been talking about me visiting for a while now, so it was a chance to see him as well.

It was a fun trip… but getting there was just horrible! No one warned me about how dusty it would be and there was no air-conditioning in the car. By the time I got to Illorin, I was covered in red sand, looking like a fat carrot. One of the passengers, a lady, is a regular with that line so she was very familiar with the driver. Because of that, we stopped for her to buy groundnuts, then stopped again for her to buy bread, then roasted plantain… and I lost count of the number of times she had to pee.

Naturally, the other passengers started getting very irritated and were complaining… I just sat there, thinking about how constipated she would be by the end of the day. Another reason I was quiet was that I was the only non-Yoruba person in the car. So, from Lagos to Illorin, all the gist was in Yoruba. I had my nose in a book the entire journey. A few times, they tried to rope me into the conversation, but then gave up eventually when it was obvious I wasn’t interested.

I don’t mind the Yoruba… I don’t mind when people speak it at all. We grew up with many Yoruba family friends so it’s nothing new. What I don’t get is why someone would just walk up to me, assume that I am Yoruba and start spitting Yoruba with rapid fire intensity. Ki lo de? Is it because I’m dark? I should probably start wearing v-neck shirts that expose my chest hair… that way, there’s no doubt that I’m a proud Igbo girl.

…smh…

Anyway, Illorin turned out to be a pleasant surprise. It’s one of those places you hear about, and maybe read about, but it never occurs to you that it actually exists… or maybe it’s just me. I was shocked to discover that it’s a proper, nice little town with clean, fresh air and ridiculously cheap transportation!

My former Plan-C guy has a friend who has been trying to set P with me for a while now… so this friend was more than happy to take us out on Sunday. We all went to the zoo, just outside University of Illorin. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to take my camera along. I probably felt that I wasn’t going to see any wild animal that I haven’t seen in my neighbour’s back yard before… but boy was I wrong!!!

For the first time, I heard a real life lion’s roar… it was pretty impressive, but it was nothing compared to the time I told my mum that I was dropping out of Med school to become the first female member of The Wu Tang Clan.

The rest of my trip was spent drinking wine with fried meat… 😀

But, I missed my brother’s birthday… it was on Sunday, the 25th and I felt HORRIBLE about it. I’ve been thinking of ways to make it up to him… especially since he made my birthday a very special one.

Right now, I’m sitting at home, waiting for my friend who’s coming into town today. I’m so excited cos I haven’t seen her in almost a year.

I should go now. I just wanted to say hi… I’ll be back on here tomorrow for our “Happy New Month” post and I’ll be here again on Monday morning cos I’ve got something I want to show you guys. It’s a surprise 😉

Till then, have a lovely weekend…

Plan B is not just a contraceptive…

Good day people!!

I had a very uneventful weekend so don’t be expecting any stories about celeb weddings and birthday parties. I’m supposed to still be “taking things easy”… that’s what the doctor ordered. I still have very bad headaches, but Lord knows I feel a million times better than before.

It was a quiet weekend, spent mostly in bed reading a novel and watching movies. On Sunday I went to church where the pastor made us pray for our enemies to die by fire. I haven’t been out today so I’m not sure which of my neighbours and my exes is still alive…Anyway, a strange thing happened to me last week… There’s no way to explain it without sounding jealous or insane, but I’ll try anyways.

It’s my Plan-C guy. This guy is one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, someone who knows me better than most…

He told me last week that he proposed to a girl and I’m still trying to pick my jaw up from the floor… I’m in shock. I can’t explain it… it’s like, one day, it was me and him against the world; we believed in love, but we just didn’t do love. In fact, we always laughed at people who were in love. We thought marriage was something secretly designed by God to punish both men and women and we kind of decided (although it was an unspoken agreement) that we would be single forever. Next thing I know, dude fell in love and proposed to a girl…

And he wasn’t even in a relationship! He was miserable in his last relationship so I we he recently broke up with his ex. The girl he proposed to was just his friend before he suddenly realized he was in love with her!!! Only good thing about all this is that she’s a really decent person…

But now, it’s got me thinking… if my Plan-C guy is getting married, then maybe I really have to get my act together. I have to start thinking about settling down and finding the right guy and all that crap. And where the hell am I supposed to start from???!!

The idea behind having a Plan-C guy is so that if a time comes when I start to feel my eggs shriveling up in my ovaries, bad-as-e-bad, I would hold a gun to his head, propose to him and marry him. It would be a marriage of convenience but at least I would have my kids “in my husband’s house” (just the way society likes it) and I might even let him play with the kids once in a while… His parents would be happy that he found a good wife (as long as they don’t read my blog) and my father would be happy to have someone take me off his hands. My dad might even offer to pay them a bride price… just to get rid of me 🙁

Two of my girlfriends each offered to hook me up with a friend of theirs, but I’m just not in the mood to meet another “great” guy who is a successful lawyer & church usher by day, but a crack-addicted male dominatrix by night. I’ve told them that I’m still closed for business…

Sometimes, when I think of all the work that goes into relationships- being nice, being decent, constant communication, keeping my armpits and er… other body parts clean shaven all the time- I just get so discouraged… I’d rather stay in bed and eat and let the hair grow wildly.

As you were people… I’m just rambling today.

Have a blessed week!

The Last Two Weeks… Part II.

Good day people…

So here’s the not-so-good gist.

After that exciting weekend, I was dreading the next week. I knew I was going to have to face real life and all the problems that come with it.

You see, for a while now, I’ve had a erm… let’s call it a “medical condition” or “health issue”. I could’ve done something about it months ago but being a true procrastinator, I kept putting it off. And I’ll admit that I was scared. I was afraid to go to the hospital and hear the doctor tell me rubbish. I felt fine anyways, even though I knew something was wrong…

The funny thing is, I never used to be scared of hospitals… in fact, growing up, I used to get excited whenever I got sick cos I grew up in a house where we were caged in like lab rats. In fact, if not for Child Rights organizations, we would probably have been handcuffed as well… and it’s funny because I look at my parents now and I ask them (in my mind), “Did I not still sha spoil?“…

*smh*

Anyway, back then, a trip to the hospital meant an opportunity to actually go out. It meant going to some place other than church! Lol… In my defense, it was a cool hospital… kinda like a hotel. So I really don’t know when this fear of hospitals developed…

Recently, the erm… “medical condition” started getting worse and I made up my mind to deal with it AFTER my amazing weekend so that if I croaked, I would have cool stories to tell in hell heaven about seeing all those celebs.

I finally started medication on Wednesday and it pretty much kept me down the rest of the week. I can officially describe Thursday, Friday and Saturday as being the worst days of my life. By Friday and Saturday, I thought the end was near cos every time I shut my eyes, I saw a bright light… but the bright light was just my laptop. It was on 24/7, on my bed with me the whole time.

I spent my waking moments watching seasons I to III of Game of Thrones. I usually don’t like those unrealistic fantasy movies or shows… that’s why I still haven’t watched any one of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. But since there has been so much noise about this series, I decided to give it a try… by the end of the first episode, I was hooked. I really enjoyed it, even though I think the season III finale was stupid. Half the cast is dead! Doesn’t make sense…

Oh, and I LOVE Lord Tyrion (Peter Dinklage’s character). He is my bestest part of the show…

A lot of people have complained about the violence. I didn’t mind it at all… I quite liked it actually. What I don’t get though is how nobody ever takes a bath in Westeros. They’ve got people banging each other all day every day and yet no one takes a bath. Only the queen looks clean… And another thing; how come all the women are slim with nice perky tits? We all know that life is not that fair!

Anyway, that’s how I spent my days, in bed watching GOT, ignoring phone calls and stalking people on the internet. My brother was hardly home, but when he was there, he served as my Lucozade Boost fetcher, credits buyer, laptop charger and all-round errand boy.

By Sunday, I started to feel much better. I even made a nice lunch and did some laundry. It’s been getting better ever since… and I think I’m fixed now. I’m still supposed to go to the hospital to make sure everything is good as new once again. Whatever…

While I was writing this, I tried to put myself in your shoes… what I would think if I were reading this on someone else’s blog? I would probably think two things;

1. What kind of dumbass self-medicates in this day and age?

2. Why the hell is she telling us if she’s not gonna spill the details?! She might as well tell us everything.

So…

1. I didn’t self-medicate. I Googled my symptoms and saw the name of the “medical condition” on a website called www.wetindeyworryme.com 😀

I’m just kidding.

I got the go ahead from my doctor friend. He has known about it for a while now…

2. As for the details, they aren’t ever gonna come… I just felt I had to explain why I’ve been gone a while :p

But I’m good now… it doesn’t seem like my dad is gonna get his wish and I’ll drop dead any time soon. If I do, I just wanna state here and now that my sister, Nne, is to inherit all my debts.

See ya tomorrow 😉

The Last Two Weeks… Part I.

Good morning people!!

Yeah, its been a while… I have good news and I have bad news. Or should I say, I have good gist and not-so-good gist. Why don’t we start with the good, fun gist ok?

Last time we spoke/blogged/commented/wharever, was on the 1st when I wanted to wish you guys a happy new month right? Well, I had crazy plans for that weekend and my blog post on Monday was going to be really cool. The weekend started when I attended Uti’s birthday party on Friday the 2nd… it was out of this world! I was the only other non-celeb there… the other non-celeb seemed to already know a few people so I was really the only “un-known”. But, being the darling that he is, Uti made sure I didn’t feel out of place. He sat me next to two really cute guys and told them to take care of me.

And I didn’t disgrace you guys too… there were so many music and Tv people there. I’m not ashamed to admit that I couldn’t name half of them. I knew mostly the music people. Everyone else was from Africa Magic. And even though I was honestly celeb-struck, I had to act like they were people I saw everyday… you know… like it’s no big deal… like me and Lynx and Tiwa Savage usually “hang” every Friday night.

I had way too much to drink though… Uti’s Martini people conspired with the devil to destroy lives that night. Or maybe it was just my life… I don’t know, but they made sure there was plenty to drink. And usually, when I’ve had a few, I start to tell all my best jokes. Then when I run out of jokes, I develop a sudden urge to pole-dance 😀

I’m just kidding…

I didn’t pole dance, but I was relaxed enough to not be so shy and have a good time. Sadly, the only picture of me that came out in Bella Naija was one career-ruining picture in which I was laughing my signature Hyena-in-labour laugh. I had my mouth wide open… so wide that you can see down my gullet and see remnants of the amala I had for dinner :’(

Eventually, I left and only managed to get a few hours of sleep before waking up to prepare for Taiwo’s wedding. I had only met Taiwo twice before… she’s close friends with my cousin, and we hung out just once. So I was pleasantly surprised when, months ago, I got an invite to her wedding. No need to go into details about how I almost got into a physical fight with my tailor over my aso-ebi… I needed it to turn out perfect! In the end, it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, but it was close enough.

Brethren, if I was star-struck the night before, then I don’t know the words to describe what I was at Taiwo’s wedding. Did I mention that Taiwo is Dbanj’s sister? D’banj as in The Toto Kokomaster himself…

I. HAD. A. BLAST!! The only musicians not there that day were MJ and The Chipmunks… everyone else was present. I met this guy called Kehinde… my cousin introduced me to him and I thought “oh… cute lil boy” and moved on. I’ll tell you about this later…

Anyway, after most of the old people had gone, the wedding turned into a mini concert… different artists performed and in the middle of one of the performances, people at the back started screaming. Vector was on stage then so I knew the screaming was definitely not for him. My first thought was boko haram and whether or not I would be able to run in my heels…

But it wasn’t those bastards. It was Don Jazzy… he walked in like a bawse, wearing white and looking very VERY delicious. I swear it was like the crowd was hungry and he showed up with his disciples carrying five loaves of bread and two fishes. Yeah, I know the excitement was more about the fact that he had a thing/issue/whatever with D’banj… don’t know, don’t care. We were excited either way. He’s on the big side… a lil bigger than what I imagined, but you know what they say; it’s just a lil’ cushion for the pushin’ 😉

Both of them did a few songs together and took a million pictures and the parry went on… My cousin (the chief bridesmaid) organized a few ushers and threatened to kill anyone of them if our glasses ever got empty. I think they took the threat seriously because they made sure we had wine… and lots of it!

And before you ask, the answer is “No, I am not an alcoholic!” 😉

The next day, I heard the song “Obi mo” for the first time. It was by some dude called K-switch. I fell in love with the song and left it on repeat the whole day and after a while, my cousin got sick of hearing it. It was THEN she told me that the Kehinde guy she introduced me to is the K-switch who did the song!!!

I shoulda kissed that niggas feet when I had the chance… it’s still my song of the moment 😀

That’s all brethren… I gotta go write out part II of this shit… the not-so-good gist :'(

 

For David… Happy New Month people!!!

Good morning beautiful people!!

No, I’m not dead… yet. I just chose to be quiet for a while because I had hoped that the next time you hear from me, I would have very good news. I didn’t wanna bore you with the same kinds of stories because I noticed that this was slowly becoming a job hunting website. But the truth is, that’s more or less what my life has been about recently- job hunting. So, here we go;

In the past two weeks, I’ve had THREE job interviews, two of which went very well. Let’s call them companies, A, B and C.

After the interviews, I got called back by A and BC can like to jump in a lake for all I care. I had to take two tests for A; one test was easy, the other test made me question my educational history. It was hard as a mofo’…

Then I took three tests for B. All three tests went quite well. I guess I could’ve done better in some areas, but I consoled myself with the kind of competition I had. The lady who sat beside me (good looking, MSc holder who was writing the same test) asked me to please help her open Microsoft Word and PowerPoint.  At first I burst out laughing cos I thought she was just kidding around to try and lighten the mood since we were all so tense… it was no joke people.

Anyway, A called me back. I got the call late Friday afternoon asking if I could come in and repeat the second test (the one in which I exhibited a staggering degree of illiteracy)… Imagine my excitement!! OF COURSE I could come in! She said she understood how late it was and actually gave me the option of taking my time and coming in on Monday to write it. But Monday felt too far away so I told her that I could be there within the hour…

I should’ve just taken my time like she suggested cos it was after I ended the call that I realized I had absolutely nothing to wear. All my decent “job interview” clothes were in the washing machine (I was still in my friend’s house then) and there was no way my favourite pair of “job interview pants” would dry before I was ready to leave the house. So, I had no choice but to wear an old pair of trousers that belonged to my friend. Now, my friend is much slimmer so it was a battle to squeeze into those pants. They were so tight, you could see the shape of my ovaries. I ended up looking like Wizkid (tight pants, low crotch) but with a nice blouse and nice heels. I had to make up and fix my hair in the cab on my way.

I got there with time to spare. Surprisingly, I was calm and quite confident… sitting in the lobby, watching CNN. Needless to say, the second time around I killed that test. One of the examiners looked over my shoulder and even used the word “Impressive”. Even though I could only take little steps (cos of how tight the pants were) I walked out of there happy and confident.

The whole time, I was thinking how proud you guys would be of me. I was already constructing a blog post in my head… telling you guys the embarrassing story of how I borrowed my friend’s tight pants, looking like a 70’s reject, and you guys would laugh about it and then I would finish the story by telling you that I got the job… and it would all be worth it. Then, I would even upload a picture of myself on my first day of work in my new office…

But alas! I still await the call…

Later that evening, B (the other company) called  and asked me to come in for a final interview the next day (being Saturday). Of course my clothes had dried by then so I went for that interview looking much better. It didn’t matter how I looked because the interviewer literally broke me. It was a tough interview and at a point, the main interviewer flung my CV aside and said that I was boring him. I was sitting there confused as hell… No one had ever used the word “boring” to describe me before. Eventually, he said I had nothing to offer and asked me to leave. Before I left, I told him that if I didn’t have anything to offer, I wouldn’t have gotten to the final two candidates. It was down to just me and one other girl who has a Master’s degree and enough work experience.

I was almost out of the building when his secretary came after me and said that her boss requested that I wait in the reception. I had to wait for the other girl to be interviewed before going back in. When I entered the room, he asked why I smile a lot. I’m smiling because that’s the only thing I can do to you that wouldn’t get me life without parole, I thought. Instead, I told him that smiling would be better than crying… :’(

Anyway, he apologized for being so harsh the first time and we started the interview afresh. It was much better the second time. He said I was/am a very bright person, but then mentioned a few concerns he had about hiring me. In the end, they promised to get back to me.

But alas! I’m still waiting for the call… any call. Both of them are good companies, both of them serve free lunch.

I’m staying positive though.

My friends, especially David, complained that I’ve been quiet for too long…  so I decided to just tell you the story so far. And I’ve also gotta wish you guys a Happy New Month! I’ll let you know as soon as the call comes through…

In the meantime, have a blessed August! 😀