Report to the Principal’s office NOW!

Before we start, if you hear your name, please report to the Principal’s office immediately;

Miss Rukky

Spacyzuma

Ga

Efe

Laolu and

Dr C.

Good morning people!!!

Yesterday didn’t go exactly how I hoped it would… at the end of the day, I got home exhausted and my friend made me dinner (even though she was just as tired). I stayed awake only long enough to eat before passing out on the living room couch.

You remember that company I told you guys about? The one owned by a family friend, where they serve free food for lunch? Yeah, so I got dressed and went there yesterday. The plan was to walk in (like a boss) and demanded to see the head nigga in charge… but I knew that the receptionist would never allow me if I did that, especially without an appointment. The lady at the front desk was being a bit difficult (classic Receptionist 101 behavior). I tried to explain that although I didn’t have an appointment, I was sure he would like to see me. All she had to do, was pick up the phone, call him and ask. She said no.

I thought of pulling the fire alarm and causing a distraction so that I could sneak in while everyone else was running out. Then it occurred to me that (1) the guy I was trying to see would be one of the first to run out of the building and (2) there was no fire alarm.

So I changed my mind and asked to see my friend who works there instead. After I didn’t show up on Tuesday, she sent me a few death threats and promised to circumcise me without anesthesia if I didn’t come and see her director the next day… the receptionist had no problems with that and I was led to my friend’s office. My friend had to make a few calls to find out exactly where her director was. Turned out that the dude had gone out and no one knew when he was coming back!!

At that point, I almost left… that’s how pathetic I can be. A big part of me was relieved that he wasn’t in so that I wouldn’t have to see him. I wanted to score myself a ‘B+’ for effort and then turn around and walk out of the building. But I stayed.

I ended up waiting several hours in the receptionist’s office cos I didn’t wanna bug my friend while she was working. While I waited, I chatted with the receptionist… we talked about her family and kids, her village and work in general. Then I read my novel, took a short nap (and somehow managed not to drool all over my nice shirt), ate 100naira worth of boiled groundnuts, took a stroll around the company premises and wrote a short fiction piece in my jotter. Then I went back to my friend’s office to say hi (again), went to the bathroom to fix my make-up and back to the receptionist’s office.

Finally, “Chief” came back at the close of work. By this time, my morale was disgustingly low… I was tired and hungry (before you judge me, groundnut is not food). The receptionist called and then let me go in. Chief was on the balcony of his office, smoking a Cuban cigar cos, you know, REAL BOSS NIGGAZ DO REAL BOSS THINGS!!!!

When I saw him, I did what I always do whenever I meet someone from the past who might not recognize me. I gave him my best I-hear-I-look-exactly-like-my-mother-when-I-smile-like-this  smile. It worked, because he recognized me almost immediately. He looked at me and said, “Ah! Charity’s daughter!”

It was nice catching up though… he asked me a billion questions; asked about my folks, my siblings, life etc. He wanted to know everything! And he made me feel at ease. There was no awkwardness at all. And he didn’t bite my head off.

Long story short, he basically told me that my Biochemistry degree is useless to him. He doesn’t have a place for me in his company. He needs Engineers instead. He reminded me of how good I was with numbers when I was little… so why didn’t I study Engineering or become an accountant? I wanted to tell him that I’ve banged a few engineers in the past… does that count? 😀

Anyway, he promised to look out for something for me. It’s the kind of promise I’ve heard a million times before but we’ll see how things go. I can’t exactly say it was a total waste of time… at least I tried right? And I’m going to try somewhere else tomorrow as well.

Nevertheless, for telling me to go and for making me miss two episodes of The Simpsons, I would like to see the above mentioned people in my office IMMEDIATELY!

Weather forecast: Dark clouds, heavy rainfall and procrastination…

Good morning people!!…

How have you guys been?

I’ve been ok… I’ve more or less moved into my friend’s house. I go back home a few times a week to make sure my brother is alive and to get a few things, but I practically live here now… all my good underwear is here. Her baby is doing great and he’s now very used to me 😀

Nothing much has been happening. I think I’m quite content here so I haven’t had much to bitch about. There’s always light and water, there’s security and I get to watch unhealthy amounts of cable Tv.

I’ve started jogging again. I stopped some time ago after I noticed that I lost too much weight and my ass, once famous for its considerable size and well-roundedness, had gone from “Wow!” to just “bleh”. So I stopped with the exercising and “eating right” and became a spokeswoman for Domino’s Pizza and Chicken Republic sausage rolls. I was aiming for Nikki Minaj… now, almost two months later, I look like Johnny Bravo without the hair. All the fat has gone to all the wrong places!

In other (stale) news, I’m sure you guys have heard about Finn’s Corey’s death… I know a lot of people who think the show is stupid but I actually like it because of the music. I’m a closet Glee fan. And I cried a little when I heard about his death. I was so down that a friend of mine had to ask if I knew the guy personally.  I didn’t know him personally of course… in fact, I’ll admit that I fell in love with his character first. It was when Corey opened up to the world about having substance abuse problems that I liked him. I appreciate people who can admit that their shit does in fact stink and that their life isn’t picture perfect…

Even though I’m glued in front of the Tv, I haven’t been keeping up with this year’s BBA… Usually, I know them all by name and country. I know who likes who and who is loyal to whom. I used to be addicted! This year, I don’t think there’s anyone in that house worth watching at all. The Nigerian guy always looks like a dreadful actor in a poorly scripted, badly produced Nollywood movie. And as for the girl, I don’t mean to point fingers at her (or in her) but she irritates the hell out of me. And her hair stylist needs to be shot…

Meanwhile, I’m in no position to sit and judge other people…

I’m supposed to be on my way out, but I’m sitting in the living room typing this. I recently discovered this company… and I found out that one of the directors of the company happens to be an old family friend from waaaaay back. Our families lost contact ages ago but we were once very close. His second son was my very first crush in my life… I think I was like 7 or 8 when I started dreaming of marrying him.

Anyway, it’s EXACTLY the kind of place I would love to work. It’s an Oil Servicing company with a great work environment, they serve free lunch and it’s not too far from my house. I even know someone who works there. So I’m all dressed up, CV in hand, shirt buttoned low enough to cause a distraction, yet high enough to not be sent back at the gates… (just kidding). It sounds promising right?

So why am I still home?

As usual, my crippling fear of rejection has glued me to this couch and I’m sitting here thinking of all the things that could possibly go wrong with this plan. I know I’ve got nothing to lose. The worst that will happen is that he will say no… and the word ‘No’ never caused anyone to bleed right? ‘No’ never killed anyone.

I think my inner hustler is dead… or maybe I’m just procrastinating.

Besides, it’s looking dark and cloudy outside. Hopefully, it’ll rain heavily so that I’ll put off going there till tomorrow…  I’ll just stay back home, lie in bed and watch re-runs of The Simpsons.

Please , feel free to judge me  ( ._.)

A beast with seven heads and ten horns…

Good morning people…

It’s been a long time right? Since my birthday last week Monday! I’ll tell you guys what I’ve been up to, but first of all, I’d like us to open our bibles to the book of Daniel 7: 7-8. Today, we’re going to talk about the anti-Christ.

Daniel 7: 7-8…   After this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible, and strong exceedingly; and it had great iron teeth: it devoured and brake in pieces, and stamped the residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it; and it had ten horns. I considered the horns, and, behold, there came up among them another little horn, before whom there were three of the first horns plucked up by the roots: and, behold, in this horn were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things…

 In February, I started having problems with my MTN line… I couldn’t make calls without having to first switch my phone off for a few minutes, then switch it back on again. No matter how much credits I had, I always got an error message saying that I “do not have sufficient credits to make this call”.

I called the idiots in Customer Service a million times and I was told that their company engineers (probably some unqualified, WAEC Cert. holding engineers) were working on the problem. I even visited their office twice and both times, I was told the same thing.

Eventually, one day I called and lost my cool when I was talking to a daughter of Jezebel in customer service. By “I lost my cool” I mean I raised my voice because I was tired of answering the same questions over and over again… Personally, I feel I deserve a pat on my back for not calling her a swine or a tramp or any of the other names that are always at the tip of my tongue. I hung up on her in frustration and after that call, my line was barred. I could only receive calls. I couldn’t even call customer service again…

Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I believe with all my heart that she barred my line intentionally.

Anyway, I finally abandoned my MTN line for about a month and used my other line. But I used to carry the phone around because that line is really my main line… it’s the number most people have, and it’s the number I put down for all job applications. Then one day out of the blue, when I had already settled in to a life of peace and phonelessness, I got a call from someone from MTN. I can’t remember her name… let’s just call her She-goat. So She-goat said she was calling because she noticed that my line hadn’t been in use for about a month. She wanted to know if there was a problem.

“Are you fucking kidding me???!!!” I asked.

I make countless complaints, you do nothing about it and then eventually bar my line. A month later you call to ask WHY my line is not being used? I couldn’t believe my ears… she apologized and promised to report the issue to their engineers. I told her that if they still had the same engineers, she shouldn’t bother reporting it. I didn’t hear from She-goat again.

No need to tell you guys that it was so much more expensive to communicate with people because most of my contacts use MTN. Finally, a friend of mine called his sister and asked her to do something about it (she’s with MTN customer service). She worked on it for a few days till I got a message asking me to switch my phone off, and then on again. I did that and voila! My line was good again. She unbarred it and I could make calls once again… life was back to normal.

Until last week. Now, it’s even worse than before… I do the switching off and on, make my call but after about a minute, I hear that stupid beep that warns you that you’re about to run out of credits. Imagine being in the middle of hot gist, you’re about to find out which one of your friends is banging the other and you run out of credits?!

I’m not even going to bother with customer service again… I don’t have the time or patience. And I’m not even angry anymore, but let us now go back to the scripture so that I can explain the revelation I got;

and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible…   (MTN’s network is mostly dreadful and terrible)

and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it…    (MTN’s color is a disgusting shade of yellow, unlike other normal telecom companies)

and it had ten horns. I considered the horns, and, behold, there came up among them another little horn, before whom there were three of the first horns plucked up by the roots…   (the horns refer to all existing and upcoming masts)

and, behold, in this horn were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things…   (Saka speaks great things)

My dear people, these are the end times… and MTN is the anti-Christ.

Verily verily I say unto you, take heed of my warning and port… or just get a new line. That’s what I plan to do tomorrow.

Let us now bring out our offerings…

😉

YAAAY ME!!!!!

Good morning people!

It’s my birthday… today, I turn 21 25 27 31 ( ._.)      #pickanumber

Sadly, it always takes quite a while for the birthday spirit to actually kick in. I’m not one of those people who start a birthday countdown two weeks ahead of time… I don’t make a wish list, I don’t announce to everyone that my birthday is on so and so day and on the actual day, I don’t wake up all excited and enthusiastic and motivated and shit. In fact, in recent years, as the day draws nearer, all I can think about is the fact that each year new brings me closer to menopause and brings my tits a few inches closer to knee level…

It’s when the calls and texts and messages start coming in that I start feeling a bit special, like a birthday girl.

I go through the same cycle every year… by mid-June, I can tell from the pathetic state of my bank accounts how hard my birthday will blow. So I resign myself to my fate. The day finally comes and goes and nothing significant happens. Then I promise myself that the next year will be different, it will be better. I swear to myself that on my next birthday, I’m gonna throw a huge birthday bash to make up for all the other uneventful birthdays… there’ll be caterers and a rented hall and guest artists and male strippers.

Then, come June 15th the following year, I look into the birthday crystal ball and I can tell that it will be another balls-blowing year…  *smh* The birthday goes by quietly and I spend the time on some soul-searching, making plans for the new year and setting new goals.

This year, I was gonna take a trip by myself. I wanted to go somewhere nice and far away, like a resort or something… just for a few days. I would’ve done all my soul searching while lounging half-naked by the poolside of an expensive hotel, sipping on cool drinks and eating food with names I can’t even pronounce.

Right now though, the only place I can afford to go is to the broom closet… to get brooms. I have lots of housework to catch up on and some laundry to do. I’m letting this year go (again) and there will be no soul searching! I’m not even cooking anything special or baking a cake… but I’m happy. I’m happy in a God-dey sorta way. And I’m content.

It’s only 11:00am and I’m already overwhelmed by the love I’ve been shown by family and friends… especially my siblings who sent in their gifts last week! My dad called and was proud of himself because (he said) “I remembered on my own”… my mum didn’t have to hold a gun to his head. He asked me to thank him and congratulate him. I was wondering what I was congratulating him for since it’s MY birthday. When I asked what for, he said I should thank him for producing me!!

*smh*

My mum called in the middle of the night and prayed for me. And I surprised myself by staying awake throughout the prayer!!!

Which reminds me; I have to call a few friends to remind them to call me today. It’s the best way to avoid a fight… cos I WILL fight if they don’t call. They never ever remember my birthday but they’re special cos they call me quite often, just to find out how I’m doing.

Gotta go people… duty calls.

Happy birthday Ngor Baby!!!