Sexy Deeper Lifers…

Good morning people!!!

Just wanted to say hi… I have to rush this post.

I actually started writing this yesterday, in the backseat of a cab. I packed my bags and went off to my friend’s house; she’s the one getting married on Saturday and I’m a bridesmaid! I’ll be back on Sunday.

Sadly, I got lost on my way there… and I’m usually very good with directions. I was pissed, frustrated, tired and hungry. I couldn’t even call my friend cos there was no network. So I let the cab driver go and I sat in a small shop for a looooong while, until I was able to reach her.

The owner of the shop was nice enough… her friend was there and there was a lot of gossiping and husband bashing. They both looked like they fell in a rainbow; their faces had so many colors and shades. The colours from make-up, the shades from skin-bleaching. Their gist kept me entertained though.

Anyway, my weekend officially started yesterday!! So far, it hasn’t gone quite as planned but things are starting to look up. I’m still excited! There’s still a lot that needs to be done though but my friend isn’t stressed… she doesn’t sweat the small stuff. She just wants to get married to her man, whether in a white flowing gown or wrapped in a plastic bin bag. As long as she marries him and lives happily ever after…

Meanwhile, the man-I-kinda-have-in-my-life has started to suspect that I might suffer from a mild form of mental illness. I pick the silliest fights, especially when I feel like he’s getting too comfortable. Most of the time though, he just ignores me.

He’s a simple, happy-go-lucky guy… he LOVES food and thinks that world peace can be attained if all the world’s leaders could sit and talk over a bottle of Hennessy.  Me, I’m the exact opposite. I don’t think life is that easy… so he doesn’t understand sometimes when I get worked up over certain things.

I’m thinking that part of the problem is, I haven’t really made up my mind about him yet… I don’t know why he’s here. Is it my magnetic and charming personality? Is he genuinely interested in me? Or is it the fact that I can fit a whole cucumber in my mouth without gagging? I keep expecting something bad to happen (like it always does). Then I can say to myself, “Aha!! Charming personality my big black ass… I KNEW it was your anti-gagging reflexes!!!”

He’s probably reading this and just shaking his head… ( ._.)

I need to get a new wig so that I don’t destroy my friend’s wedding pictures…

That’s another thing I’ve been thinking about lately; how much I’ve let myself go. I’ve never been a fashionista, but on a good day, I clean up quite nice. My style is pretty simple; jeans and tops that were mostly stolen from my sister. But because I never really go anywhere special, I’ve somehow gotten used to wearing big baggy shirts over leggings or jeans because it’s easy. It allows me eat like a pig and gives my stomach the freedom to hang down to my knees 😀

Then I took the weight-loss thing way too far and all that junk I used to have in my trunk is gone… The best thing about me, the thing that turned heads, the thing that used to get me to the front of cues is now gone!! What I have now is a “boot” that looks like the back of a VW bug. I didn’t even know when it happened.

Finally, there’s my hair. I cut it cos I wanted to start growing it properly, but I honestly do not like the way I look, especially now that it’s growing back out. I comb it in the morning but by the time I get to the bus stop, I look like I’m trying to communicate with the mothership in Venus with 103 antennas sticking out from my scalp.

I was going for the “natural” look, but it doesn’t seem to be working out. On Friday last week, a Deeper Life pastor who runs a supermarket near my house complemented me. He said he loves my look; no make-up, natural hair and decent clothes… all I could say was, “thank you sir.” Then I added a “God bless you” for special effects.

You know it’s bad when Deeper Life people think you’re cool ( ._.) So I gotta make some changes… I’m bringing sexy back people!! I’m going to eat till my ass is restored to its former glory. I’ll fix my hair, or braid it and from now on, I’ll be wearing clothes so tight, you can see my internal organs (-_-)

Bye people!! Sorry this is so disjointed… 🙁

For Seun…

Good morning people!

It’s been a long while since we talked (or since I wrote and you read). Naturally, quite a bit has happened since then…

First of all, remember my writer friend I told you about? Well, he actually won the competition!! So I’d like to thank everyone who voted for him from on here. Your reward is in heaven 😀

And if you didn’t vote, your reward is in the same place as your reward for voting for GEJ into office…

Also, please join me in praising God! My level don change… Once upon a time, there was no difference between me and the people who live under Third Mainland bridge. But brethren, God has now put a roof over my head and delivered me from carpenters. Roof work is done and the wankers are gone!!! Once again, I am free to do naked cartwheels in my living room. There’s still a lot of work to be done in the house, but for now, I’m enjoying the peace and quiet.

Meanwhile, in the past few days, my self-confidence has taken a severe beating on many levels and I’ve been plagued with self-doubt. It started last week when I met a friend for lunch… she was shocked when she saw me. She said she didn’t know I had cut my hair! A few days later, I was outside my house, inspecting the Aluminum work on the roof when another friend called. He asked what I was doing. When I told him, he was shocked (like friend no. 1)…

They both said the same thing; I read about your hair/roof on your blog but I didn’t think you were serious.

????

Then a 3rd friend visited my blog and he didn’t get past the 2nd paragraph before he complained. His exact words were; “How I wan take read all this many many story? Abeg put picture joor!”

I decided to ignore friend no. 3 because the only thing he reads is the expiry date printed on the packet of his herpes medicine. But the others got me thinking… what the hell have I been writing about?? How can you not take me seriously???

You see, when you become a blogger, you start noticing other blogs. You click on every link that ends with ‘blogspot.com’ and you take out time to read each word, even if it’s crap. Some are serious blogs with meaningful content and big important words like “Recriminate” and “Advantageousness”. Those are the blogs that teach life lessons, give out valuable information and broadcast groundbreaking news.

Then some other blogs have gbagauns in their blog title, gbagauns in their content and because of the similarities in the gbagaun patterns, you suspect that the lone anonymous comment in the comment section was written by the blogger himself. You wonder if those bloggers have friends…

I don’t exactly have a niche. I don’t give you news that you didn’t already hear two days ago. I can’t give you gossip cos I will f&@k up royally when I write things like “…an anonymous inside source called Sidney told me that blah blah blah…”

Entertainment is out of the question.                                       

Sports? No.

Art? No.

IT? *bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!* No.

Fashion? No.

Porn? *silence*

Porn? Erm…

PORN? OK no.

*smh*

I also had a bit of erm… *cough*… man trouble… ( ._.)

There’s this guy. I’ve known him for quite a while actually, but yeah there’s this guy. I’m feeling all girly as I write this… and I can’t say too much about it but he’s the sweetest guy ever! He reminds me of all the things I miss about being part of a couple. But right now, it’s all very very complicated and I’m trying to take each day as it comes.

Finally, yesterday, I attended my very last interview. It was two interviews actually… the first one wasn’t so bad. The guy who interviewed me looked like a model for a condom advert. His shirt was so tight I was having trouble focusing. All the chest muscles I learned about in Anatomy class in school, I could see them through his shirt.

It was the 2nd interview that made me decide it would be my very last. There were two of em’- the lady in charge and her Smeagol look-alike partner. Madame was busy on her computer so Smeagol did most of the questioning. He asked why I didn’t finish Medicine, and then asked whether I agree that companies don’t call me back because of my age. Don’t I think I’m too old? Then he also asked what my greatest achievement in life is…

As at that moment, my greatest achievement was being able to stop myself from stabbing him in the eye with my pen. Of course, I didn’t say that.

In the end, he concluded by saying that I had failed to “Wow” them. Me, I’m sitting there thinking, “Well, that’s not what yo’ mama said last night when I gave her the D.”

Sadly, the only ‘D’ I have to give is diarrhea so I kept my answer to myself.

Bottom line is, I’m officially sick and tired of having to prove myself to people and feeling like I’m not worthy of certain things. *sigh!*

We’ll have to finish this off tomorrow. Have a great weekend guys…

 

 

You guys owe me…

Good morning people…

I stand humbly before you this morning, with my head bowed, to ask a favour.

You know how I’m always talking about how proud I am and how I don’t like asking people to do stuff for me? And you guys know how, in all the time I’ve been running this blog, I have never EVER asked you guys for anything…

Some of you have your own companies, but did I ask you for a job even though I’m unemployed? No.

Some of you have hot single brothers… did I ask you to hook me up? No. I stayed content with my dildo.

Some of you have hot husbands and boyfriends… did I ask you to share? No.

So, if you guys think about it, you actually owe me 😀

Here’s the thing;

I have this friend. He’s a really close friend. There’s no need to go into the history of our friendship… all you need to know is that he’s good people.

So this friend of mine entered a writing competition. There were 10 contestants at the start of the competition and every week, one contestant was eliminated. It was like a Big Brother show with lots and lots of stories, but no shower hour *smh*

Anyway, every week, the public had to vote to keep the best writers in. I played my part and I voted, every week. At the start of the competition, I thought of asking you guys to help me vote, but I decided to leave it till the final week. Now we’ve reached the end and he’s in the final 3!! He got to the finals because he’s a great writer… everybody thinks so. And that’s why I have the balls courage to demand beg that you guys vote for him. If he wasn’t any good, I wouldn’t be doing this, trust me.

Why is it important to me you might ask? Well, my friend whines a lot when he’s not happy… if he doesn’t win, he won’t be happy and he’s going to whine till the end of the year and I might get tired of his whining and shoot him in his foot. And that might end our friendship.

So brethren, please vote for him!!! It won’t take up to two minutes of your time…

You can vote while you’re taking your early morning poop.

You can vote while you’re stuck in traffic.

You can vote while you’re waiting for your porn site to finish loading…

You can vote during the sermon in church on your way home from church.

As long as you vote…

Please go to this link www.thenakedconvos.com/thewriter/?page_id=761 and vote for Eziashi Joseph. Voting closes Friday 12:00pm.

Thanks guys ( ,_,) this is very important to me…

Who’s your daddy? ;-)

Good morning people… Told you I’d be back today. I’ve got a lot on my mind…

Is it me or don’t you just hate it when people ask you “What do you want?”

Apart from “Who’s your daddy?” that has to be the question I hate being asked the most, even though I ask other people a lot.

Usually, if a friend talks to me about a problem, I’ll listen. I’ll listen to your problem, and then I’ll ask you a million questions. Talking to me is like going to see the doctor… an amebo doctor. The many questions are just so that I can fully understand the problem, including the problem’s history. I don’t want to be the one to advise you to poison your husband, only to find out later that he cheated on you after months and months of you starving him of sex.

I digress…

After the many questions, I typically ask, “What do you want?” or “What would make you happy right now?”

I hear all sorts… it could be;

“I want to get back together with my ex” or

“I want to get a Masters Degree in Finance” or

“As a first lady, I want to be able to make an impromptu speech without causing grievous bodily harm” etc.

People always have ready answers, stating exactly what they want. Me, I never do.

Let’s take this job thing for instance…

I’ve worked before and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Of course, there were bad days, horrible days even, but I loved it. I loved constantly being challenged, meeting targets, learning new things, and walking around the office pretending like I don’t know my skirt is too tight…

Anyone I have ever worked for will tell you that I am NOT a lazy person. I know I’m not a lazy person, but the truth is, right now I want a steady income more than I want a job. And, unless I’m ready to be someone’s mistress, a 9 to 5 job seems like the only way to getting that steady income.

So when people ask me what kinda work I want to do, I used to say I could do anything, as long as the bills get paid. But I noticed that an answer like that makes you sound unserious and ambitionless… so I changed it. Now, I tell people that I want to do environmental work. I give a short speech about my time in Health, Safety and Environment as an industrial trainee in an oil company, how much I benefited while working there, and how I developed a strong passion for environmental protection etc etc…

But do you really wanna know the truth?

I don’t give a rat’s ass as to how my farts contribute to the holes in the Ozone layer. I really don’t care.

I know what I want. I have a million things on my bucket list, things that I still have to do/achieve… but most times I’m too ashamed to say it because the things I want don’t sound like what a normal 30 year old, single, unemployed woman should want. So I keep them to myself.

My fear is that, I’ll be so busy trying to do what a normal single 30 year old should be doing, that I’ll neglect what I REALLY want to do. Then ten years later, I’ll hate my kids, hate Tu Face (their baby daddy), I’ll hate my job and I’ll hate everyone around me because I didn’t do what I REALLY wanted to do.

*sigh* I’m just rambling today people…

As you were.

 

Carpenter, let down your rod…

Good morning people!!!

For the first time in a very long time, I am able to say that I had an AMAZING weekend!

It didn’t start off as amazing though. There was a minor incident on Friday morning that threatened to spoil my weekend and possibly the rest of my year. Traumatic, disturbing, harrowing are words that cannot even begin to describe what happened… suffice it to say that I have been scarred mentally for life.

I remember waking up that morning and reading Psalm 23. I recited the Psalm and then prayed to God according to the scripture and although there was no response from Him, I had faith and I believed it was gonna be a great weekend. So I went about my day as usual…

Later, I needed to use the gen. I went out to the side of the house to switch it on, and then proceeded to the switch box to change over (from NEPA to Gen). It was then that my life changed and my world was turned upside down.

You see, the roof workers all stay in the little house by the gate (where my security man would’ve stayed if I had one). The switch box is just beside that house. Brethren, as I was passing by the house, the head carpenter ran out BUTT NAKED. He was dripping wet, obviously just out of the shower. His towel was hanging outside and because everyone else was on the roof working, he had tried to quickly run out and grab it himself without being seen.

Immediately, I fell to my knees, looked up to the heavens and with tears streaming down my face, I cried unto the Lord, “Dear Father!! I asked for THY rod and THY staff to comfort me… not anyone else’s!!!”

I don’t really remember what happened after that. The doctor said that I now suffer from dissociative amnesia, which occurs when the person forgets an event that has deeply disturbed them. Apparently, my subconscious has blocked out the whole experience…

( ._.)

Ok, the last part is a lie. I didn’t fall to my knees crying and I didn’t see a doctor… I just turned my face and walked away. Since then, I’ve been avoiding him like the plague and when I do see him, it’s usually very awkward for me.

Anyway, the rest of the day went well… A friend came to see me and spent quite some time with me. Saturday was incredible!!! ANOTHER friend came and rescued me from my life of roof repairs and naked carpenters. We had such a good time! It’s been a while since I went out and just had fun! I didn’t get home till quite late 😀

I spent most of Sunday doing house chores till yet ANOTHER friend came to see me. So basically, my friends made my weekend a great one!!!

In other very important news, my hair is growing and I’m actually starting to look human again… 😀

Hope you guys have a wonderful week! I’ve got stuff I wanna talk to you about, but we’re keeping today’s post short and sexy 😉 See ya tomorrow…